Little pleasures that reduce me to hysterical laughter

There was much hilarity in our hotel room last night. Going back a bit, for a good while I played with the idea of becoming a translator/interpreter. But it was quite a hard job to get into, what with lots of people having the same language pair and my reluctance to do yet another qualification on top of my endless studies. So I tried to set up my own little business but never got the clients to make it worthwhile. I tried, did the business plan and realised that I'd be better off financially with another career, probably enjoy that other career more, and wouldn't have to do the marketing which is not something I particularly enjoy. And no, I never thought I wasn't good enough especially when we had to have an interpreter at our wedding (in case hubby didn't understand what he was letting himself in for this was a requirement) and I cringed rather a lot during the ceremony.

I was right about my career choice. I have no regrets.

Just sometimes, I feel that maybe there aren't enough translators about to make sure gross embarrassment is avoided. And I'm generally a helpful person and hate to see people look rather foolish. Here I am, in a German hotel which is part of a well known international chain which I think is American owned. Germany is a country where really everyone has a decent command of English, and I don't see how anyone could work in hospitality without being able to speak English fluently. The information booklet provided by the hotel is both in German and in English. I have a strange feeling they wanted to give me a good laugh and test my pregnancy pelvic floor function when they came up with the English translation. I can't but share some of the highlights - and I'm not sure if I should suggest to them to invest in a trained translator maybe for the benefit of their English speaking guests?
My rates are reasonable by the way.

"You like to get adapter, travel adapter plug or extension cord at the reception"

"Trains to the airport leave from the Munich main station. For a concrete schedule please ask at the reception desk" (I have visions of the ten commandments written in stone)

"You can borrow a bath robe for your sauna visit at the reception desk. We lend you a pledge for this made of beechwood" (sounds interesting, I'm tempted to use the sauna just to see that pledge made of beechwood... Thankfully I checked the German and it's about paying a deposit for the loan of a bath robe - not beeches were harmed in the transaction you'll be glad to know)

"in the case of fire doors and window closed regards immediately see notice, the building at the doors over stairs and escape routes deserted fire extinguishers be in every floor as escape plan" (umph, I hope there won't be a case of fire because I'm not all that sure what to do. Fortunately, "Emergency Exits are marked on the plan suspended on your room door" and you have to "Read the emergency plan in your room at the door" and in no other location!)

"City map: get with pleasure free of cost at the reception" (easy pleasure!)

"You can use the dryer daily from 7am to 10pm be due against."

"We like to send your faxes for you; per page we calculate euros 0, 30"

"Lost and Found will be escrowed at the housekeeping"

"Everybody make an analogous modem attachment extension cord is available on the reception" (Goody)

"Pay TV: You have  Pay TV channels in your room at the disposal. Feels after petition of the room number and push the OK. We charges you Euro 13,90." (hm, a bit touchy feeling before watching more of it???)

"In the restaurant you have also the possibility watching different sports events with our flat TV"

"Our Housekeeping is glad to help you at a ragged button or loose hem"

"You have the possibility in every room of using the Internet free of cost. Open your Internet Explorer which conducts you on the initial page automatically. Select the 'Free' entrance there, please. A problem should be able appear you the hotline: our reception helpful or with pleasure also is it for them contact." (if their English is equally bad, I doubt their helpfulness. It also doesn't help that the page is in German and the word "Free" is not there at all, so even a guessing game will go pear shaped)

Thankfully, if internet access on the room fails, "among us you have the possibility in the lobby of using the Internet free of cost in our business room."

Of course, there is a "questionnaire in each room. Please tell us what you think about us, what you liked particularly or what could be improved". Maybe someone should suggest using a translator? But where would be the fun of a night spent giggling uncontrollably be?

Rant in the midst of the Christmas spirit

Sometimes, just sometimes, I do need a reliable and affordable postal service. As someone who has friends in various countries, and who occasionally (and admittedly rarer than could be) would like to connect in simple but nice ways with her family and friends beyond the Channel and Irish Sea, I need to use some form of postal service.

So, I put a parcel of little titbits together for a friend of mine. Nothing of great value, just a parcel of goodies that a family of four would enjoy opening up. When I heard the postage cost I thought I'd misheard. Honestly, I had to ask twice to make sure that my ears were in fact working and the poor man in the shop post office hadn't made a mistake. The bill came to 32 quid. I kid you not, that's considerably more than the actual value of the items in the box. I had to decide not to use the service offered, which was embarrassing. Kindly, the guy fiddled about and found that if I repackaged into two parcels of 3 lbs each, I'd only pay half of that. How can that be? I mean, surely, it must be easier to handle one rather than two parcels? I decided to go with the competition, DHL to be precise, who picked up the parcel from my door, and deliver it tracked within 3-5 days for half the cost of Royal Mail. Plus I didn't need to repackage.

At the same time I'm waiting for a parcel from German that was posted well over 2 weeks ago. By airmail. It must be the slowest aeroplane ever. Some people may be able to cycle the distance in that time. What if it was meant for an occasion and arrived too late?

Next, I send a letter with 10 copies of A Hat in Time (have you got your copy yet?) from Glasgow to Edinburgh, for sale at a crafts market. Posted on Wednesday first class (very expensive and yes, ouch, because I still haven't quite recovered the outlay of the print run, and remember, this month I'm broke, so it was a financial risk to start with because I have to sell 3 books just to just recover the postage and production cost). Today, Friday, it hasn't yet arrived. This means I'll lose 50% of potential sale time. We're talking Glasgow to Edinburgh here, I could have driven the books there for the cost of postage.

I've had various incidents of larger items getting lost, within the UK and between EU countries. There was a toddler coat that I bought on ebay which arrived 6 weeks after it was sent, by that time the seller had completed (!) a claim with Royal Mail. I got my coat for free that way, but really, I'd rather pay and get my coat in time.

There are numerous incidents of a red card being left in our letter box and when I drag myself to the depot (which is only open mornings and about 4 miles away), the item was not to be found. Never to appear again. Without any knowledge of who sent it, so I can't even get the sender to claim for a lost item. And I don't even know if it was valuable, a nice gesture or anything else that I'd like to send the sender for.

So I'm seriously considering if I should entrust any Christmas cards to the rubbish service that has become out of Royal Mail. I'm all for supporting them so they can actually stay in business, but there are limits. It really infuriates me that they make it unaffordable to send a little something to people you hardly see, thus undermining the cracked leg that their business stands on. The personal touch of a letter, a parcel, sent from human to human. I'll certainly think twice now about using them at all. That surely can't be in their business interest.

photo credit: theedinburghblog via flickr.com

Get on your own fecking bike you joker

Taking advantage of the sunshine and not having to do the childminder run, I cycled to work. It's a fair distance, which is why I don't do this on ordinary days. Half way, while passing the Royal Burgh of Rutherglen (which is a bit of an overstatement at the best of times), a beer bellied man shouts at me:

"Get on your bike! hahaha".

My reaction? Inwardly fuming, outwardly ignoring. Very tempted to retort something along the lines that it would do his belly some good if indeed he got on his bike now and again.

The worrying bit is that this is not an unusual occurence. I've blogged about it before. Hubby the other day was actually pushed off his bike by a pedestrian at rush hour (no car passing fortunately) and, miracle, the police were just there to see it. I simply don't quite get why people feel the urge to attack cyclists who don't cause noise or CO2 polution, who don't kill and keep healthy, thus saving the tax payer lots of dosh.

However, there's a difference in the abuse I receive very regularly. I rarely get pushed off my bike, but I hear the exact same sentence quoted above a lot, with ridiculing laughter added to this. (Mind you I also get swear word abuse from car drivers in rush hour fury, possibly fuelled by jealousy that I'm moving when they're not). What is there to ridicule? So I investigated and my current field research result (cough cough, I asked my fellow cycling colleagues) tells me that this kind of abuse is directed from man to cycling lady. Which to me means it's sexist.

If you look at cycling patterns and indeed, barriers to cycling in Glasgow, it will strike you that there aren't many female cyclists. There are more female cyclists than there used to be, but we are still very much in the minority. Ask the ladies why they don't cycle and you get these answers: they don't feel safe because they have to share a lane with buses and taxis, or even the general traffic. They haven't the confidence to cycle in city traffic. The weather. Having to maintain a bike and deal with punctures and not having the knowledge how to do this.

So if a woman overcomes all of this and spites the Glasgow rain, maybe just having gathered all her confidence in braving the roads, the last she needs is this kind of abuse.

But how to react? I hate to just let it pass. Yet I'm lost as to a strategy that will work. I could confront and retort the abuse: "You fat ignorant bastard, the last laugh will be on me when you die of heart failure in 5 years time". I could lecture him about the joys of cycling and get to work late. I could carry a bucket of water just in case and pour it right over his head.

Somehow, I haven't found the proper approach for converting the hopeless in the space of one sentence uttered in passing?