This ain't no competition: on Birthing

I seem to have a strange habit of looking back at the whole birthing thing around about a year after having kids. It might be a bit of a coincidence, or maybe not, but with quite a few of my friends coming close to their own due dates, I guess there is a bit of birthing chat going on these days.

As a bit of background: For all my life, I'd been absolutely scared of giving birth. So much so that for most of my life, I didn't want to have any kids. As soon as I got pregnant for the first time, I searched and searched how to deal with this fear. I went down the route of a HypnoBirthing course, totally tried to find out every information on birth, was addicted to reading birth stories, and I also took part in an NCT course.

Both the NCT and HypnoBirthing of course advocate a natural birth, if possible without any pain relief. I totally bought into it. Two long drawn out labours later, with one instrumental birth and one emergency c-section, (and trying out most available pain relief) I still long for that natural, serene, birth experience. You know, the one where you actually have a sense of birthing rather than having the baby taken out of you.

I felt totally disempowered first time around, and totally empowered the second time. The first birth, though more "natural" than the second, was a massive disappointment. With all my hope, preparation, longing to have a natural birth, it didn't happen. I kept going over it, analysing where it went wrong. In contrast with the second birth, an even longer back-to-back labour, hours of pushing without any movement, I was begging for a c-section. I was exhausted after labouring two nights in a row (and the day in between) and had had enough. Shame for that natural birth I never had but you know what? Having had a child before I knew there was much more to having babies than the birth and it didn't matter so much.

I'm not saying of course that birth doesn't matter. It does. What is important though is that with all the encouragement towards natural, drug free births, preferably at home, it doesn't become a pressure or competition to have such a birth, and above all, no woman should be made to feel a failure for not achieving this ideal. It may come as a surprise (hear the irony bell?), but different women labour differently, and it may well be that in times gone by with lesser health care, our outcome might have been a much worse one. It's only looking back after two births (and the parenting in between) that I realise it's not all about birth. Birth is important, every woman should be informed and be able to make choices about medical intervention and those choices should be respected. The thing is, it's also ok to choose pain relief, to choose a hospital birth or even an elective c-section. It's ok and doesn't make us a better or worse parent.

The choice though should be based on information, knowledge and weighing up of risk without scaremongering, and facilitated by non-judgemental staff. I had a great experience in that respect at the Southern General Hosptial. The surgeon visited me on the postnatal ward to discuss the c-section and answer any questions I may have. She also reassured me that none of the previous choices I had made would have made a difference on the outcome. In both labours, my birth plan was given due attention and followed to the word (so much so that I had to wait 2 hours for the decision to have an emergency c-section after I had given up all hope that this baby would come out on its own accord, the staff never failed to encourage me, had me upright and moving, and did everything to enable me to have that natural birth I was hoping for). However, I have heard of different experiences in other hospitals, where choices women make were questions, where birth plans were ridiculed.

It is one thing to encourage women to be better informed and make decisions on  that basis, another to recommend and push for a natural birth, which it appears the NCT at times seems to be guilty of from what I have heard (not in my personal experience I hasten to add). Because the damage of unmet expectations and hopes can be quite significant and contribute towards negative feelings after birth. In my own case, an empowered c-section might actually have been better than a non-surgical birth where expectations were not met. And as to bonding post c-section - it's all relative. Again, it's more about how one feels about the birth experience than what it was actually like. I felt a failure after the first birth and didn't think twice about the c-section after the second, and found bonding, breastfeeding and general adjustment much easier second time around, though admittedly I had a more serious case of the baby blues (which I attributed to my slight panic of having to look after two kids, which at the time seemed impossible - it wasn't of course!).

Of course, if I had a real choice I'd love to have given birth naturally, but, heyho, it's just a day in the life of a baby and a mother, and there are many more that count just as much. Too many important days to waste time on what ifs and if onlys. There are enough pressures on women and mothers, let's not add the one of having to birth naturally as a rite of passage to it. Becoming a mum is in itself a right of passage, and that's plenty to deal with on its own.

(and for anyone who has that failure blues: For 9 full months YOU grew a baby. How effing amazing is that? Give yourself a massive pat on the back!)

What to do with my newfound freedom

There's no doubt now that I'm 9 months pregnant. I'm still confused about my week count, having due dates ranging from 30th August to 6th September, but even with the latest one I'm in my last month.

So yes, I feel tired and could do with an afternoon nap (so much so that at work I have been seen to go for a 10 minute walk just to avoid falling asleep, not because of the boredom of work, but irresistably leaden eyelids). When at home, Cubling is great for shouting Mami wach auf! as soon as I try and shut my eyes. Tomorrow I say. Tomorrow I'll be off work and Cubling will be at nursery. I can have a nap. Hurray.

Other than that I have no specific plans. My first true day of freedom and I'm still wondering what my priorities are. Getting the house fixed should be top of the list but I'd love to read a book, do some knitting and sewing, some gardening too, until my lower back will tell me to take it easy.

After a rubbish first 7 months (morning sickness, tiredness, chest infections, pelvic girdle pain) I'm feeling not too bad. It's all relative, obviously I'm not jumping about like a young deer, but I do remember how I struggled to walk any distance last time around while now I can do a fair distance before my back/hip gives out. I have much less heartburn which is nice. My feet though... They are beyond words. The skin has reached the point of maximum expansion I'm sure, at least it feels like it's about to burst any second. The only shoes still fit for wearing are with adjustable straps and even they hardly reach the velcro. Cubling is getting a bit more helpful these days what with fixing my shoes and actually picking up stuff from the floor when I ask her to (we had a few weeks of refusal and other behaviour that was bordering on the dangerous, like refusing to stop running or stay close by even though/because mummy can't run as fast).

So it's generally all good.
I'm still torn between getting things ready for baby and not wanting to tempt fate. Which is also why I still have the no longer required maternity wear (the kind of stuff that stopped fitting me at 7 months) sitting about. Your mind plays tricks on you at this stage, at least on me. But that's kind of normal too, right?


I'm doing some HypnoBirthing and Antenatal Hypnotherapy which a kind friend has passed on to me, but I've not managed to do some of the other birth preparation plans that are on my mind. I feel I need a bit more because I'm not as relaxed about it as I was last time. There's no lengthy birth plan this time, just notes in my pregnancy record.

Cubling is getting excited, she no longer thinks it's a plastic baby in my tummy and has started kissing and hugging it (about time, I was getting worried) although she still insists she only wants a baby girl.

So, any suggestions what to do with my 2 days of childless and workless freedom next week?

Agent of Birth

I resisted Make do Mum's post. I can't resist Single Mummy.net's post.
The big question is that of birth plans. Or not. With just over 4 weeks left (or maybe more or less) I guess it's particularly relevant for me right now. Having the benefit of hindsight, I'm a bit more informed about this all than I was last time, but in principle, my views haven't changed.

Draw back the clock 4 years ago when I was just pregnant, and one thing that was overwhelming was my fear of giving birth. It was bad, it was ugly, there seemed no way out. I was scared of a c-section, especially being awake through it. I was scared of labour and the pain, and all that comes with it. Neither natural birth or a c-section were something I wanted to ever experience.

I knew I had to do something about it and I did. I informed myself about birth, the process, complications, options, choices. I embarked on a HypnoBirthing course and did an NCT course. I faced my fears and worked through them. I signed up for some forums, including one on homebirths. I really and truly considered all options and made sure I knew what my preferences were.

Thanks to HypnoBirthing, I entered labour without fear, but with excitement and confidence. I also had a lengthy birth plan which was along the lines of natural birth, no epidural, birthing pool etc. My main worry was that of a c-section - the one thing I hoped to avoid at all costs and I was confident I would. And yes, things went different - a long labour, and prolonged second stage which needed intervention. I was very close to the knife but managed to do with the forceps (and boy was I thankful for the last minute spinal). I did manage to avoid a c-section, I did manage to do labour without an epidural (for whatever that's worth), I found out that labouring in water works wonders for me, gas and air is odd but not to be dismissed, and that diamorphine is shite.

This time around, I'm much more open to the idea of an epidural because at the end of the day, when you're labouring forever and are tired, it doesn't help to be so categorically against it. Diamorphine did more damage to my mindset than an epidural would have done. I'd still try doing it without, just to be able to stay in the pool, but rather have it than go through the last 3 hours of my last labour again.

I do have a birth plan this time. It's shorter, to the point and much more flexible. I still find it important because it establishes me as a person who has choices and a say in birthing. This is something not to be taken for granted. Consider this: everytime I tell someone that Cubling was 15 days late, I hear the sentence "I didn't know they would let you go that long over". I'm sick and tired of the implications of this turn of phrase. I was offered induction at 39 weeks because I felt rotten. I refused because there was no medical indication. This was my choice - and if another woman had chosen the offered induction, that would have been fine as well. No woman should feel or actually be "made" to have an induction because "they" don't "let" you go over a certain number of days (or refused one because she hasn't reached that point yet but has real reasons for requesting one). It's the woman's body, the woman's choice, the woman's baby.

I was scared of induction and refused to have one before 42 weeks as long as baby was doing well. Baby was monitored and was doing just fine. It was my choice to have an appointment for induction at 42 weeks because of the higher risk of stillbirth from that point onwards. Labour started at 42 weeks exactly, so I didn't need induced.

Due dates aren't an exact science, but it shocks me that women still feel totally at the mercy of the medical profession when it comes to what is supposed to be a rather normal occurrence, that of birthing a baby. It's great we have good healthcare, midwives and medical intervention if needed. However, we also have choices, and should be informed about risks and options to base our choices on. Of course there may be circumstances where we have to adapt - when Cubling got tired and a c-section was advised, I questioned this. We discussed it for 10 minutes and I still struggled to sign the consent form (because I didn't feel I could consent to it). I did it though-for the baby. And in those 10 minutes Cubling finally moved down the crucial amount to make it out by forceps.

I struggled for about a year with this less than perfect birth, not having felt her being born, not having pushed her out by myself. And then, suddenly, I realised that it didn't matter. What mattered was that I tried to do my best, I did the best I could, we were both well and giving birth is nothing but the start of a much bigger adventure and challenge - that of parenting. It's important though to take ownership of how we birth and not be subjects of the medical profession. It's not so important how it all ends up. I'm very much at ease with how Cubling's birth went now, and positive about what's to come.

Above all, I'm glad I did have a birth plan, it made me an agent in this event, rather than a subject. And that's a good thing, surely.

On nesting

When I was pregnant with Cubling, the much quoted nesting never happened. Or I didn't notice. I was so focused on the birth part of it all, I don't think I even thought much beyond it. Well, I did think beyond it but it was abstract, and the reality had to hit home good and proper before I realised that giving birth was truly, as one midwife said to me, just a day, but being a mother was a life sentence blessing.

In that pregnancy, I did hypnobirthing, pregnancy yoga, relaxation, baths. Basic equipment got bought, we didn't think much of a nursery because we knew we'd move at some stage and if at all, Cubling wouldn't spend much time in a bedroom of her own anyway, so the cot was set up in our bedroom and not really used much (it was moses basket and then co-sleeping for us and we moved when she was 7 months old). We got a travel system, but Cubling was partial to the babycarrier and never liked the pram, so there were many days where I cursed myself for having spent any money on a pram/buggy at all.

This time however, all my focus on birth has gone and it's been replaced by focusing on the time after. Gone are my religious hypnobirthing practice, my plan to involve a doula or maybe even go for a home birth. I'm resigned to whatever will be, will be and don't even worry much about the possibility of placenta previa and a c-section. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have an easier birth this time, I would love to actually push my baby out this time, I would love not to have my belly cut open. But what I'm really thinking of is getting things ready for being a mum of 2. I'm in inner turmoil. I get upset about things that I want to see done not getting done now/instantly/yesterday. I'm angry at myself for being tired in the evening and not moving anything on. I'm disgusted that I sign up to the fabulous Creative Writing Workshop and am so behind with everything that I feel I can never catch up. I despair at the sight of a particular corner in our house, where I've accumulated stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else. I get upset if plans I've made, mental or verbally, are changed. I deplore the current stress level at work - because it makes me so tired in the evening that I'm deflated and good for nothing else. I've become a grump, and I definitely don't like that either.

So I've put together a to do list and keep adding to it. I try to focus on the fact that if Tiddler is as late as Cubling was, I'll have a full 6 weeks of maternity leave before birth to get it all done. Anything I do before that is extra (but how do I long to get it done before my mat leave starts!!!). I do try to enjoy the good weather, and all the nice things that are happening to me (there are lots) and try to switch my ever buzzing gremlin off who keeps telling me what I still need to do and how dare you enjoy yourself when you've got a to do list the length of a dead sea scroll.

Hormones are funny creatures. The are definitely messing me up differently to last time, yet to be truthful, I can't tell for certain which instalment I prefer. And as to hypnobirthing and pregnancy yoga - haven't done either at all so far, and now the classes for latter are fully booked across Glasgow until after my due date (a definite market gap around, but particularly south of the Clyde). Ah well, I've strained my back anyway so it's probably just as well. I'll be the unfittest birthing mama ever. And maybe it's ok not to put myself under the pressure of my own abilities to achieve a natural and drug free birth, learning that reality can be different is a hard lesson, as I've experienced  myself and Muddling Along Mummy has blogged about. As long as I'll get the fire place fixed and can enjoy my babymoon in front of a log fire knitting away I shall be content.

aardvarks, other pigs, trains, trees, houses and co-sleepers

One of Cubling's favourite books at the moment is Anthony and the Aardvark. I'm not going to particularly recommend it - it's an ok book, but I don't quite understand her infatuation with it, it's not that great. To be honest, I'd never heard of an aardvark before we were given this book. It's one of those nice books that are easy to translate on the read, so it passes as a mummy and daddy book. Tonight, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, an aardvark is not an aardvark in German and that I should look it up for the sake of a decent translation. And I learned that aardvark is an Erdferkel (earth/soil piglet) in German (which again I've never heard of) and that indeed, I need to change my translation. Let's hope Cubling won't object. Because object she does rather a lot at the moment.

On the topic of pigs, yesterday I was finally offered to have my H1N1 jab which I'd put off for the first trimester of pregnancy. It was rather amusing reading though the common side effects, because to be honest, I currently have most of these due to being pregnant. A day later though, I have to admit that my left arm is really quite sore, and as a consequence I slept very badly. Because I slept badly, I have a splitting headache. Because I have a splitting headache I'm short tempered, and yes, I did lose my patience when Cubling timed her poo perfectly while I was cooking after having returned from a longer than usual workday with very little time to cook, eat and do bedtime; and when once again she refused to be cleaned of her poo which once again she had refused to do on the toilet. Of course she more than anything refused to be cleaned by anyone but mummy. Blame it on the swine. I guess at least she didn't hold it in for 3 days this time. No, not the swine. The poo.

Today marked the last official day at the childminder and tomorrow marks the first day in a forest kindergarten. The thermals are out, although I failed to source toddler sized thermal socks and waterproof gloves. The first lunchbox ever is packed and I'm nervous that the promised pack of waterproofs may not be waiting for her. I'm nervous about the finality of it all, the way she still asks to go to a different nursery, the crabbitness at the end of a long day at nursery because she fails to nap. Will I ever get my cheerful girl back in the evenings? Or will there be many days like yesterday, when she was so tired that she cried inconsolably for one hour, and after that still clung to me like velcro with occasional whinging, making any attempt at preparing dinner futile.

In preparation for tiddler, I've got my mind set on the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper. No, this is not a sponsored post, I'm simply keen on having this ridiculously overpriced product. Basically, it allows you to have baby beside you without actually co-sleeping. I'm not opposed to co-sleeping and did so extensively with Cubling, but for the first months I'm also very worried about the safety and I hope that this co-sleeper will be a perfect compromise. Not that I can afford it, but hey, sometimes you get lucky and there's one near me being sold second hand and I'm incredibly excited about this.

I'm also considering Hypnobabies. When I was pregnant with Cubling, I used Hypnobirthing which did wonders in getting me to overcome my overwhelming fear of childbirth. It didn't get rid of the pain as it promises, but considering my attitude change from being mortified at the thought of giving birth to looking forward to the process with excitement and joy was definitely worth it. I'd quite like to try something similar yet different, to see if it could help me go the whole way without intervention this time. If only it wasn't so expensive... So any second hand offers, do let me know.

I've also managed to source a beautiful traditional wooden doll's house which will be Cubling's surprise present. It's full of potential, with both the house and the furniture unpainted, and none of the pink dreaminess of your average ELC et al. wooden doll house. What Cubling really wants, and she's more than clear about it, is a train set. Which of course she'll get - as long as I get my doll's house. Party plans are in full swing, and to make up for lack of party or any sense of wanting to celebrate her birthday last year, this year there shall be two parties.

Finally it's carnival time over at Baby Baby. Grab yourself a cuppa and enjoy.