All cooried in*

I have a confession to make. I co-sleep with my baby, every night. No, she's not in her cot beside my bed, she's properly in my bed, next to me, skin to skin all night long.

There have been suggestions that it's dangerous.
I've presented facts that proof that if practised safely, it's not. That it may even protect baby.
It is, like so many parenting choices, treated as an ideological battleground.

Sod it, I'm not out to fight any battles, other than getting some sleep maybe and avoiding to drop baby during a feed because of overtiredness. In fact, I set out determined not to bedshare because I'm rather precious about my own space. I don't co-sleep because you have to if you want to call yourself an attachment parent. I co-slept before I knew there was such a thing as Attachment Parenting. It just happened, it was easy, it felt right, I did my research to make sure I wasn't putting my child under any risks.

Mention it to any other parent, and the reaction is either one of horror (what???? you STILL have her in your room, no, even in your BED????) or one of quiet nod and agreement, where not many words are wasted on the topic.

So this week my little Snowflake is poorly and all she wants is to be cooried in even more. I write this with her sleeping on my lap/chest. And more than that, I want to be cooried into her too. While her temperature is raging and her whole little body is fighting an infection, I can't bear to be apart from her and maybe miss a turn for the worse. There is sense in her complaints when put down, because, close to me, touching me, I monitor her breathing, her heart rate, her temperature, her appetite. Give her security that I'll be there when she feels rotten.
While I'm full of worry, I worry less when she's cooried into me. Maybe I'm just marked by experience, but to me it feels the right place for her to be, right next to me.

I've heard of many a parent who say they can't sleep with their baby in bed. I understand this, just that for me, I can't sleep when she's not. Well, I can, but I wake more often, it takes longer to drift off to sleep, I worry more, I keep checking she's ok and all that. It's all so much more intuitive when she's next to me.

I wish there was less judging going on when I mention that we co-sleep. A bit more open mindedness amongst parents who don't practice the same sleeping arrangements. I wish the first sentence when I mention our co-sleeping wouldn't be "oh I couldn't do it for fear of rolling on top of my baby", implying, even if unintentionally, that I put my baby at risk. I won't apologise that I react to this sentence with mentioning that if it hadn't been for co-sleeping, I may not have spotted my baby's serious illness so early, I may in fact have slept on and she may no longer be with us (and by so doing, implying that not co-sleeping is putting babies at risk - the truth is of course that it's not proven that either sleep arrangements are inherently safer or riskier). It just annoys me when people criticise without having weighed up the actual risks/benefits before passing judgement. Because, as with many things in life, there's no easy answer, no perfect truth, and there are choices to be made, choices based on knowledge and intuition - and on what works for you.

So, my name is Cartside and I never left my baby to sleep in a different room or out of sight, and only rarely out of touch until she was 6 months old. From then on, she started out the night mostly in a different room and joined me in bed when I went to bed. I'm very happy with this arrangement and I've only had a handful of sleep deprived nights. Yes, I've not been sleep deprived with this baby to any serious extent. I hear people discuss how often their babies wake at night, at what times. I listen, I haven't got much to contribute to them, because, truth be told, I don't know. I have faint traces of memory that she may wake once between midnight and 8am, but when or for how long, I can't tell, it's handled so quickly that there's no time wasted on clock-watching or being awake for any length of time.

Co-sleeping as such, if done safely, doesn't put your baby at risk. If that keeps you from co-sleeping with your baby, there is plenty of literature on how to do it safely. I personally thank Muddling Along Mummy and her comprehensive blog post on how co-sleeping is safe when practised properly and the Sears for putting me on track of finding out more, feeling less guilty and much more confident about co-sleeping. It works for us.

*coorie in is a Scottish word for snuggle up, cuddle up, swaddle; used particularly for babies. It implies comfort and feeling safe. And it took me a while to find out how it is spelled ;)

Wherever you look, there's a carnival

I'm trailing a bit behind with post and had meant to post all about this week's carnivals muuuuch earlier. Better late than never though, so here goes carnival time x 3!

The one closest to my heart is of course the Carnival on Raising Bilingual Children. You can find the latest installation here. If you would like to contribute, host or join the mailing list, please visit this page where you can do all of this. Hopefully this smallish carnival will be a steady and growing resource for parents who raise their children bilingually, so please support it in its infant stages.

Second up is the Sleep Deprivation Carnival which is rather relevant to me this week after self induced sleep deprivation. I only have myself to blame. I just can't sleep in crammed tents, or go to bed without an hour of me time, so I think I averaged somewhere between 4-5 hours in the last week. Not good. I disgress. Find out all about the sleep deprivation ahead of you if you're mad enough to have babies, and how to turn the corner (hopefully, if you're not quite such an owl as I've been last week).

Finally, the fortnightly Mummy Bloggers Carnival that everyone knows of anyway is over at Mums Rock . No contribution from Mummy do that! this time, but that shouldn't put you off because you would have read my contribution here anyway if you're reading this, so it's all good new stuff over there!

Enjoy the read!

Oh and I've realised that there's a difference between amber and embers. Just search/replace mentally in my previous post. I didn't walk over ambers, that would have been easy peasy. It was indeed embers. At least I'm consistent, eh?!

She sleeps like a baby

Here I sit, with a glass of wine, at home, relaxed, blogging. I've just seen a friend out who had visited for a few hours, after a lovely chat. It's close to my bedtime and I'm looking forward to a nice night's sleep, to be up again in the morning for a busy day at work.

A scenario which only a year ago would have been an impossibility. Wind back even two years, and you would see a nervous wreck, who endured the torture of being woken every. single. hour. during the night.

How did I get here? What did I do right? Especially when all the books told me I was doing it wrong? If I hadn't got a PhD yet, I'd have one now. A PhD in baby sleep. I know it all, I've been through the worst, read the books and flung them against the wall to spit on them and throw shoes at them. And here I am, alive and above all, with all the night sleep I can ask for. I know about controlled crying, cry it out, feed to sleep, baby whisperers and every trick in the magic box of getting baby who will not sleep to sleep. My pride is unspeakable: My 2 1/2 year old (today) sleeps through the night, from 8pm to 7pm and also gives me a daily present, the best present ever, of a two hour nap. I am one happy mummy.

Cubling is a spirited baby. Spirited babies are hard to soothe, very active, don't nap well, hard to get off to dreamland, like to be carried, cry a lot and long, are strong willed, and have more than the fair share of personality. There were moments where I was close to despair, where I seriously questioned if I'd done the right thing wanting to have a child or if I was creating more suffering than joy.

My baby cried a lot. She cried in the pram. She cried between feeds. She cried when tired. She cried when not bounced. She did not take a dummy, a bottle, a finger. She only ever settled when on the breast or when held. I dreaded going out for walks because without fault, she would not nap but scream the park down. She would not nap when moving, she would not nap when still, she would not nap for more than 30 minutes. There was no doubt, her inability to nap meant over stimulation and yet less sleep and more crying. We had entered the vicious circle of the spirited baby.

Nights were reasonably ok. After 2am that is. Before that we had to endure either a feeding marathon or 7 hours of screaming. Once she did sleep, she would wake every 3 hours for a feed and fall asleep over it, and as long as she did that, I functioned. But then there were teeth and she would not give me 3 hours spells of sleep. I trialled the theory of 3: 2x3 hours of sleep - bliss, 1x3 hours of sleep, I'll get through the day if it's less than 3 nights in a row. less than 1x3 hours of sleep or 3 night of only 1x3hours of sleep and I was close to acts of aggression.

There were low points. Once, I phoned Crysis. I was in tears of despair, shaking with panic and sleep deprivation. Once, when a month of hourly wakings at night time had turned me into some person I didn't know, I deposited Cubling in a different room, as if that would make her stop crying. I was close to shaking my beautiful beloved baby. Really close. I did shout at her. 3 times I think. I'm not proud of this, but it did help and above all - it prevented me from shaking her, it got rid of all the frustration which needed some outlet. Strangely it also stopped her crying, and she strangely didn't look bothered by it.

Until finally, after all else had failed, a desperate forum post of mine brought the solution: an electric swing. I put Cubling into it and within seconds, she was asleep. She started to nap 3 times a day, 3 precious hours (one nap was even 1 1/2 hours!) where I could recharge my batteries. I finally threw out all books - all they did was tell me NOT TO EVER USE AN ELECTRIC SWING BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!!!

It's not. It's great. It worked.
And I weaned her off it at 6 months, replacing it with the buggy, where she napped until she was almost 2.

Night times were still hard going. Cubling was teething incessantly and the only thing that would calm her to get me my magic 3 hours of sleep was mummy milk. We did try to wean her off night feeds but with each tooth or illness, a week's effort was gone, something we couldn't keep up while working. So I waited for 20 teeth to come through and on the eve of number 20 saying hello, at 17 months, the night of no more mummy milk was neigh.

Within 2 weeks, she slept through regularly, until 5.30 or 6am, which was followed by another few hours after an early morning feed, the most beautiful, relaxing, cuddly, blissful feed you can imagine. There was nothing like snuggling up with Cubling in the early hours and knowing that she would sleep for another 3 hours, at my side. I was in the land of maternal bliss.

Maybe I should have weaned her off night feeds early, I don't know. All I know is that controlled crying, pick up put down, patting and humming, singing and shuggling, hugging and cuddling, touching and stroking, dummy, fennel tea and bottle DID NOT WORK. They made things worse if anything. The only tools I had were an electric swing/buggy during the day and my boobs during the night. Between them, we managed to stay sane.

Cubling slept for the first time for more than 5 hours at a time at 9 months 3 weeks. She started to sleep through regularly at 17 months. Even then, it took me an hour to send her off to dreamland at night time. The books told me I created a bad habbit and she'd be a bad sleeper for life.

Well look at her now, please would you: light out, not a whimper until the following morning when I actually have to wake her. I'm only sleep deprived because I can't stop blogging, tweeting or checking my emails, because I want to knit yet another row or watch a film.

So if anyone tells you this or that is best or the only way, handle with care, you're baby may not agree. Go with the flow. Give everything a go. See what works for you and be proud of it. Don't worry about so called habits. You can change any habit later when you're not so tired.

Above all, please believe me, if your baby is a bad napper/sleeper, it doesn't mean she will always be. There is a lot of light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll be off to bed then. Good night.