Institutionalised

Quite out of the blue it dawned on me that this is it. This was my year of maternity leave, most likely the last one. Where did it go? Flying by is an understatement. It is odd how different I feel about returning to work this time around. How different I feel about leaving my children with caregivers. I hardly recognise myself, my feelings have changed so much.

In some fairy dream land, my imaginary plan had been to have my kids in Germany, where you get 3 years of (partly) unpaid leave each (which you can take any time and split between parents and take in chunks etc pp). Oh the luxury, to spend the early years with your children and still have a job to come back to.

Of course, life never works quite according to plan and I have only myself to blame for not following it through, one reason being that I actually quite like Scotland. And my job.


Still, as I count the hours before I'll leave my kids with competent caregivers who are still "only" that, caregivers, I wish I'd have more time. The older already nags me with complaints that she doesn't want to go back to nursery and rather spend time with me. The younger, oblivious to everything, gives me smiles and demands nursing as if there was no tomorrow.

Ahead of me is also the juggling of work and childcare demands, time slipping away and every minor traffic hiccups translating to having to catch up on work in the evenings, or not being able to take breaks. As a user of a council nursery (and I know that's as lucky as winning the lottery) there are also in service days and holiday weeks to consider, time off work that I simply don't have (did I find a babysitter recently? She'll be getting more work it seems). It's back to the rat race - just this time not for the money but for the sake of juggling what is often more than wrongly referred to as work life balance (there is no such thing if ever someone asks. If you work and have kids, the balance goes out of the window first).

The nagging question is that of "Is it worth it?" The constant rush, stress, all for a negligible bit of extra money. Is it really worth it?
My answer now, 4 1/2 years into motherhood, is quite different to what it was 4 years ago when Cubling started childcare. I'm no longer sure at all. The resounding yes is almost gone. And if it wasn't for the kind of job I have, the satisfaction I get out of it, the team I work with, the organisation that is more supportive of their employees than most, the answer may well tip towards the "no".

Transitions are never easy and I know from experience that a new rhythm will emerge, that things will settle down, that I will settle down. For now though, I'm in inner turmoil and reluctant to hand over my kids. It is me who has separation anxiety.

I once read someone label the start of school as institutionalisation of a child. At the time, I chuckled as it seemed over the top and a bit funny. I'd no longer chuckle now. I know what she meant. And aren't we all institutionalised and following the rhythm of what that institution imposes on us? The 9-5 rhythm of work, the in service days of schools, the nap routines of nurseries. Be wary child if you don't fit in, if you'd rather not have your mum leave you alone, if you are a nurseling at 10 months.

It is the way things are and I accept them as it is beyond me to change them so I try and make the best out of it. But I cannot be made to like it.

Can you see the sweat on my forehead?

One would think that second time parents have it all sussed.
Ha. Been there, done that. I may be pretty confident about why co-sleeping, baby-wearing and breast-feeding were the way to go for us, but it all comes apart in the face of one stubborn little girl.

Then how come I have to restrain myself from frequenting forums on a number of questions because my head is spinning with them?

How come I have one child who won't eat any kind of fruit (except banana of course, which child doesn't eat banana? Oh, right, my husband) and one baby who won't eat anything but fruit? This is ridiculous.

How dangerous is that for iron levels at 10 months considering I'm a vegetarian and meat is scarce in our home anyway?

How is baby going to last a full day at nursery without her most favourite food which still is magic mama milk?

How DO I wean? (She's protesting. She can be loud. She knows what she wants. She may be easy going in general, but there are limits!)

How will she nap at nursery?

Shall I provide additional milk in a bottle or cup, considering she'll be short of 11 months? Neither of my kids seem to get that a cup is for drinking from rather than spilling and making water displays around the house, most prominently on a fabric chair, which I only noticed once both my trousers and knickers were soaked through at my rear side just minutes before a visitor arrived. Oh the joys.

Considering how fussy she is eating right now (banana great one day, spat out next and same for almost every other food except strawberries), how/what/how much/how many kinds of food should I provide for the nursery?

Should I be giving her supplements because she clearly isn't getting enough iron?

Why hasn't the nursery been in touch about settling in days yet? I have sooo many questions to ask them and I need at least some answers now to keep my head from exploding.

Argh. Can I just extend my maternity leave? No. Bugger.

3 weeks today. The deadline looms and we're still not on a 3 solid meals a day schedule (unless the meal involves berries only). Breast-feeds? Let's say too many considering she'll have to do without for full days at a time. Am I bovvered? Er, I think I might be.

Full time mama

From today for a full year, I will be a full time mama. It hasn't yet quite sunk in, maybe it'll happen next week when I don't actually go to work. For now, there's a mixture of feelings about it all. I know I'll miss my work - my wonderful colleagues, the banter, the serious discussions too of how to best make a difference. That's the beauty of working in the voluntary sector, everyone is in it for the cause ultimately and passionate about what they do and how they do it. Even for all the frustration there can be, it never gets boring and it's a great environment to be in.

I also remember very well my last maternity leave, which was shorter. Back then, motherhood hit me like a sledgehammer. My life change beyond recognition and as much as I adored my beautiful daughter, loved her every cell, the adaptation to life as a parent wasn't an easy ride. I longed to be back at work, for very profane reasons: to be able to manage my time according to mostly my priorities, to be able to drink a cup of hot tea, go to the loo by myself, to feel a sense of achievement at the end of the day rather than the never ending repetition of tasks without immediate purpose.

However, returning to work after just 6 months also meant additional strains: a baby who wasn't ready for childcare yet, the constant rush, the juggling of parenting and working and feeling like neither was done as it should have been. Only slowly a balance emerged, only to be thrown off course again. So now, I'm more than ready to embrace being a full time mama because I'm tired. Very tired. Pregnancy tired but more than that, working mum tired. While I worry that I may feel a bit isolated, a bit lonely, a bit without proper purpose, I embrace this time where I hope not to feel pulled into three directions at once without ever getting any sense of balance. And I know the time will pass very quickly, so I'm determined to make the best of it.

I wouldn't even mind going overdue again this time, more time for that longed for balance that will surely be overthrown once a newborn is thrown into the equation.
Finally, I'm getting ready for baby. Cubling and I went shopping and she was loving it. I was glad to get it done, so as to feel a bit more prepared but I also always worry about whether it's the right thing to shop for baby, because, you know, one never knows. But that's a different story.

Time now to tackle the ole to do list and get this place ready. Not just for baby, but for all of us.

the moral: don't change jobs while pregnant if you can avoid it, or try and change the system

Amber inspired the following post and it's a contribution to her Maternity Leave Carnival, which is already up and running with lots of fabulous contributions.

When I went on maternity leave 2 weeks before Cubling was due (she was 15 days late, so it was actually a month before she was born), I was in a tricky situation. Having changed jobs while pregnant, I only qualified for ordinary maternity leave (26 weeks at the time) and didn't have an entitlement to additional maternity leave (i.e. an additional 26 weeks of unpaid leave with security to get my job back at the end of it). The latter is only available to pregnant women who have been in their current job from before they got pregnant. I kept working as long as I could (actually longer, the last two weeks of work were a real struggle) to have as much time with Cubling after she was born as I could manage.

Ordinary maternity leave was extended the month after Cubling was born from 6 to 9 months. I missed it by three weeks. This was unfortunate because Cubling, at 5 months, was not ready to be looked after by a stranger, yet I had no choice. We managed, but I strongly believe that every child and their parents should have the chance to stay at least the first year after birth at home with his/her parent(s) without losing their jobs, regardless of whether mum to be changed jobs while pregnant or not. However, additional maternity leave only kicks in if you've been employed with an employer before you got pregnant.

Further, because I had the audacity to change jobs while pregnant, I had no entitlement to Statutory Maternity Pay. This is, in its most basic form, 6 weeks of 90% of full pay, followed by the remaining 18 weeks at a weekly payment of at the time 108 pounds (now 123 pounds). The technicalities of this pay is that it's paid by the employer, who gets it reimbursed by the state. If you change jobs while pregnant, you are entitled to Maternity Allowance instead, paid directly by the state, of 108 pounds at the time (now also 123 pounds); from the first week of maternity leave.

Effectively, this system punishes mothers who change jobs while pregnant both on the count of pay and length of maternity leave. When I raised this with my local MP, who passed it to the relevant minister, the response went along the lines that they don't want to put an undue financial burden on employers if the length of service of the pregnant woman has been rather short. This argument fails to acknowledge that it's the state who pays Statutory Maternity Pay (through the employer) so the financial burden isn't on the employer but the state. Therefore, it is the state who does not want to have the financial burden of six weeks pay for women who've changed jobs while pregnant.

Coming back to my case: At the time, I'd been in continuous tax paying and NI paying employment in the UK for 11 years. When I changed jobs, I didn't even take a week's break. So why then does the state not want to support my hard work with the ridiculous length of 6 weeks on 90% of my pay?

In fact, the minister's argument is flawed: while the state would not pay statutory maternity pay to my employer, my employer (bless them) actually paid up. Not just 90% of my salary but 100% for 17.5 weeks. That's because they decided I still qualified for that length of contractual maternity pay. So the financial loss of me changing jobs ended to be on my employer which I found rather unfair.

Above all, regardless of who pays what, the question is why there are different regulations for woman who change jobs while they are pregnant. The policy effectively discourages career moves during pregnancy which to me sounds like direct discrimination on the basis of gender. Take the example of my situation as way of illustration: my previous job involved a lot of evening and weekend work and was on a yearly contract. I was also underpaid considering the responsibilibies I had. I changed into a post which was permanent, a move to a securer and also better paid employment. The conditions of my post that my new employer offers I value a lot, which also meant that I was prepared to stick with them when the programme of work was changed entirely and the organisation went through a massive structural review. So the investment they made has paid off for them. Both parties happy.

All the while the reasoning for this different treatment of pregnant women who change jobs and those who do not does not make sense. It's a loophole that needs to be patched. If you are a woman, pregnant, a mother or thinking about pregnancy in the UK, why don't your write to your MP to raise this with him/her and the Minister, and ask for changes to be made so that every woman in employment qualifies for the meagre 6 weeks of statutory maternity pay.
You can use the letter I wrote two years ago if you like. And you can read my original post on this here.

And don't get me started on the pithiful length of paternity leave...