The other day I signed a petition asking for a fair deal for stay at home parents. Without question, the recent changes and proposed changes are all in some way encouraging particularly mothers to work. Well, in theory they do, because there are so many ifs and buts, nevermind the lack of jobs that things look quite different in practice.
I'm very much in favour of women having the choice to stay at home if this is what they believe is best for their child, or to work if that is what they believe is best for their child. But let's be clear - it's often not exactly a choice.
With living costs being extortionately high, it's really only a choice to stay at home if your partner has a higher than average income. And even that may well not be enough. And if your ideal situation is somewhere in between, it's often not possible to get reduced hours to have a better work - parenting balance, and if you're looking for a job, part time jobs are rare as diamonds.
There are a few things that rather bother me in this context, the first being the wording of the above petition. It suggests that as a family that uses childcare because both parents work, we are getting benefits from the tax system and therefore cost the state money. This is factually wrong. The truth is that because we both work, we pay tax, and the only benefit we can get is a tax free allowance, so we still pay tax. The economic benefit of working parents is definitely in the black. And as for low income families - they may even miss out on any tax free allowance if their income is so low that they don't pay tax. This, incidentally, is a very serious flaw in the system which has a devastating impact on the lowest earning, working, families.
What is correct though is that there is a good point for having transferable tax free allowances. What I mean by this is that if a couple without children both work, they each have a tax free allowance. Once they have a family and one parent decides to stay at home, the tax free allowance of the none working parent is lost. In other countries, this works differently - if there is only one earner in a family, this person will receive an additional tax free allowance per dependant. So say dad works, his own tax free allowance is 10,000, he'll get another 5,000 for his wife and 2,500 for each child. Higher incomes are taxed more progressively to make up for this (for instance, in the UK, higher rate tax is only applied to income over the threshold amount, while in other countries it's applied to all the income). A system like this does make staying at home affordable also for people on lower incomes.
At the same time I do believe that the taxation and benefit system has to ensure that work pays. This has not yet been achieved, although some of the changes within Universal Credits will make this the case for more people than before (and I hasten to add that other parts of the changes to the benefit system will have a horrendous effect on many family and are really nothing short of shameful). Childcare is so expensive that without support, only high earners can actually afford it.
What is however totally unhelpful in this particular debate (which is about fairness and insuring that staying at home to raise children is valued, respected, supported and a financially viable option for parents) is to propose that either staying at home or being a working mum/dad is the RIGHT choice. When we should actually be supporting each other in our choices, this turn of the argument leads to alienation and bad feelings.
Sure enough there are studies that demonstrates that children are better off at home up to the age of 3 and that long nursery hours in particular can have a detrimental impact on a child's emotional development.
But there are also studies that demonstrate that maternal level of education is the biggest indicator of a child's cognitive and emotional development, and that children who have 2 working parents also do better than children whose parent don't work.It is thought that this is due to the link with higher maternal education and also the financial ability to provide stimulating experiences for children.
Children from low income families, on the other hand, tend to fare really rather bad in the education system and measurements of cognitive and emotional development, and of course quite a few low income families will have one or both parents out of work - so in spite of parents staying at home, children lag behind their peers. The reason for children not doing so well in low income families are complex and there isn't space here to look into it in detail, but let's say it's a combination of many factors which parents themselves have very little influence on.
There is also the question of the quality of childcare - and Liz Truss' proposal to have more under 5s per member of staff, who are trained to be compliant and purposeful (the toddlers, not the staff!) will certainly not make for better childcare.
My own mother was a stay at home mum, and I don't think this made me emotionally more stable - in fact I struggled severely with shyness and low self esteem in childhood, so much so that I loathed going to school throughout my primary years (and I didn't exactly love it in secondary but at least I had some friends by then). I can't help but wonder if I could have benefited from more nursery hours than the 3 hours per day that I got from 4 years of age.
So there is no black and white, no ideal situation. Because we can't exactly all be highly educated mums who then abdicate their blossoming careers in favour of being Stay at Home Mums. Some of us aren't highly educated. Some of us can't find a job. Some of us can't find the part time job we want. Some of us are better parents if they're not full time parents. Most working parents will go through incredible lengths to ensure that the time they do spend with their children is the best it can be. Above all we've all looked at the evidence and made our choices. I know how important it is to reconnect with my children when I get back, we practice most of what falls under attachment parenting (though I don't follow it as a philosophy, it's just what happened to be our preferred style), we spend quality time together and I listen to my children all the time. I work on improving my parenting and can draw from all the knowledge that comes with delivering a parenting programme. I have amazing childcare providers, so amazing that both my children look forward to it and miss it in the holidays.
And while I believe that Cubling started childcare too early (which was outwith my control and I do not feel in any way guilty about it), there is no doubt in my mind that I've given both my children the best possible start in life I can, all considered.
So, I do not believe that I'm a worse parent for working 4 days a week. I also don't buy into the argument that having a fair deal for Stay At Home Mums is encouraging people to be/stay on benefits (because really, who wants to be on those meagre benefits? Exactly, nobody). We all make or are having to make different and difficult choices but all of us are trying to be the best parent to our children whom we love more than ourselves. And those choices should be respected, valued and viable.
Mummy do that!
Showing posts with label working mum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label working mum. Show all posts
Friday, 3 May 2013
Friday, 2 November 2012
Why bother having kids if you don't have time to look after them
There has been some media attention on the fact that in the UK job market, about 1 million women are missing. They are missing because work doesn't pay for them as second earners and they've made the decision of not returning to work after they've had children or leaving their jobs.
This isn't surprising as such. I've thought about it. Childcare is expensive and there's not a lot of support with the cost here in this country. For parents with two children in childcare, the second earner needs to be on an above average income to make work pay.
What really got me though is the invariable response when this topic is brought up. Summarised in one sentence: Why have kids if you then go out to work?
Of course, this phrase is said to the mother. Please contradict me if I'm wrong! Now I'm all for extended and paid maternity leave, I know about the importance of child-mother bonding, breastfeeding and responsive care by the primary care giver, who due to breastfeeding usually is the mother. So while I do believe that our roles are different at the early stages of parenting, determined by biological facts, I don't buy this statement because we do have maternity leave (even if partly unpaid) for a full year.
After that, we're mostly equal.
Until the same question is directed to fathers, something is at odds. Because you know, really, kids would love both parents to just be at home with them and play all day, but that doesn't bring food on the table, warmth in cold winters and electricity to your home.
So for the record, as a mum who'd love to spend more time with her kids at home, as I'm sure their daddy does too, this is why I have kids and still bother going out to work:
1. I have skills that are well used in my job and I'm making a difference. I'm a confident trainer, researcher, thinker, writer, project manager. I'm not a confident parent (though I'm working hard on it, being ambitious and all that). In fact, I actually think my kids benefit from a bit of childcare by people who know what they're doing.
2. I've been told all my life that this was an equal society and that both men and women have equal access to the workplace and will be renumerated equally, regardless of whether they have children or not. I've come to understand that in reality this is not the case, but I believe that what I've been brought up to believe is at least something we should aspire to.
3. I've never believed that my primary role was that of raising kids. In fact, for most of my life, I wasn't sure I actually wanted kids. I made a decision to raise kids but did not make a decision for this to be my end all and be all.
4. It's a bloody hard job juggling kids, home and work. Many days I think I can't do this anymore. But it's also a bloody hard job being a stay at home mum, and to be honest, I prefer the juggling situation. Not by much, but by enough to keep going.
5. Let's talk money. Kids are expensive. You need more money to offer a decent life for them, like a bigger home, a car to take them places, days out, and let's not even mention the doubled cost of a holiday as the little ones pay full price. Oh yeah, and there's clothes, toys, presents for them and above all their friends and the incessant fundraising forms from nursery and school. I think I may have even bought a poppy this year, my principles are crumbling.
6. Let's talk some more money. If I took a career break, this is my financial loss: pension contributions. Income while I'm out of work. And then, as I rejoin the strained job market, a 30-40%% cut of my salary because I'd have to start from the bottom again. This cut is for good, also impacting on my already tiny pension prospects. So even if for a few years, work doesn't pay, in the long run the loss of earnings would be so massive for me, that I'd probably work for nothing
7. The insecurity of the job market: would I be able to find another job?
8. I enjoy my job. Nobody wails, whines, screams, hits and kicks me or spills milk over my clothes at my job for 8 lovely hours. But seriously, I do like my job.
9. And just to say.... I'm not a career woman. I don't strive for a 50k plus income, promotion and managment roles. This is not about my career, just about being a worker. I also think that parents who stay at home do an invaluable and tough job, a job that I'm probably not too well cut out to do. I simply don't want to have to justify why I work when I have children just because I'm not a man.
So in the public view I shouldn't have had kids then in the first place. Let's give the dads a voice now too, shall we? Should daddies have had kids because he's out of the house 9 or more hours on a weekday? Can I invite working dads to justify why they're working instead of spending quality time with their kids?
This isn't surprising as such. I've thought about it. Childcare is expensive and there's not a lot of support with the cost here in this country. For parents with two children in childcare, the second earner needs to be on an above average income to make work pay.
What really got me though is the invariable response when this topic is brought up. Summarised in one sentence: Why have kids if you then go out to work?
Of course, this phrase is said to the mother. Please contradict me if I'm wrong! Now I'm all for extended and paid maternity leave, I know about the importance of child-mother bonding, breastfeeding and responsive care by the primary care giver, who due to breastfeeding usually is the mother. So while I do believe that our roles are different at the early stages of parenting, determined by biological facts, I don't buy this statement because we do have maternity leave (even if partly unpaid) for a full year.
After that, we're mostly equal.
Until the same question is directed to fathers, something is at odds. Because you know, really, kids would love both parents to just be at home with them and play all day, but that doesn't bring food on the table, warmth in cold winters and electricity to your home.
So for the record, as a mum who'd love to spend more time with her kids at home, as I'm sure their daddy does too, this is why I have kids and still bother going out to work:
1. I have skills that are well used in my job and I'm making a difference. I'm a confident trainer, researcher, thinker, writer, project manager. I'm not a confident parent (though I'm working hard on it, being ambitious and all that). In fact, I actually think my kids benefit from a bit of childcare by people who know what they're doing.
2. I've been told all my life that this was an equal society and that both men and women have equal access to the workplace and will be renumerated equally, regardless of whether they have children or not. I've come to understand that in reality this is not the case, but I believe that what I've been brought up to believe is at least something we should aspire to.
3. I've never believed that my primary role was that of raising kids. In fact, for most of my life, I wasn't sure I actually wanted kids. I made a decision to raise kids but did not make a decision for this to be my end all and be all.
4. It's a bloody hard job juggling kids, home and work. Many days I think I can't do this anymore. But it's also a bloody hard job being a stay at home mum, and to be honest, I prefer the juggling situation. Not by much, but by enough to keep going.
5. Let's talk money. Kids are expensive. You need more money to offer a decent life for them, like a bigger home, a car to take them places, days out, and let's not even mention the doubled cost of a holiday as the little ones pay full price. Oh yeah, and there's clothes, toys, presents for them and above all their friends and the incessant fundraising forms from nursery and school. I think I may have even bought a poppy this year, my principles are crumbling.
6. Let's talk some more money. If I took a career break, this is my financial loss: pension contributions. Income while I'm out of work. And then, as I rejoin the strained job market, a 30-40%% cut of my salary because I'd have to start from the bottom again. This cut is for good, also impacting on my already tiny pension prospects. So even if for a few years, work doesn't pay, in the long run the loss of earnings would be so massive for me, that I'd probably work for nothing
7. The insecurity of the job market: would I be able to find another job?
8. I enjoy my job. Nobody wails, whines, screams, hits and kicks me or spills milk over my clothes at my job for 8 lovely hours. But seriously, I do like my job.
9. And just to say.... I'm not a career woman. I don't strive for a 50k plus income, promotion and managment roles. This is not about my career, just about being a worker. I also think that parents who stay at home do an invaluable and tough job, a job that I'm probably not too well cut out to do. I simply don't want to have to justify why I work when I have children just because I'm not a man.
So in the public view I shouldn't have had kids then in the first place. Let's give the dads a voice now too, shall we? Should daddies have had kids because he's out of the house 9 or more hours on a weekday? Can I invite working dads to justify why they're working instead of spending quality time with their kids?
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
The Patchwork of Childcare
The BBC article on 8 radical solutions to childcare made me smile this morning. Not because they are so lovely, but mostly because they are so utterly unworkable, that there is definitely a bit of comedy going on. Still, nothing wrong for being a bit radical when really there is a big issue around childcare.
The reality of childcare is more like a patchwork. So I thought things would get a) simpler and b) cheaper once Cubling starts school. That would have been the naive world view of the uninitiated. With less than a month to go before the big day of starting school, I'm awfully smug because I managed to get all my childcare needs met. Yes, you heard me, and I know it'll make some jealous and want to hit, kick and bite me, but the jigsaw is complete.
And this is what it looks like, verion 5.13:
For term time:
Cubling:
Snowflake:
In service days:
School holidays:
Total: 6 child care providers between two children. I've not yet figured out the total cost, but we're on the very cheap end of it all and so lucky in that respect, but one thing I have realised is that we'll be paying significantly more on childcare than we currently do with 2 under 5s. Ok, my working hours are increasing so this is probably the bulk of the additonal cost, but still, my hope that once school kicked in, childcare costs would come down was an illusion.
For the past few months, I've had headaches and near head explosions about how to get it all organised and make sure there are no pieces missing and not gaps. Thankfully, our current 2 childminders (who we fall back on for anything additional) were able to pick up the missing pieces and it all worked out just fine.
However, looking at this it becomes clear that childcare isn't the simple "just put your child into a nursery" situation. My work is not strictly 9-5pm, there are commuting times to consider. After school, school holidays and in service days.
And even if it is all looking good, I still have the conundrum that I need Snowflake to be at nursery 8.30-5.30 and the nursery will only offer me 8-5pm, leaving me half an hour short for being able to have a full working day.
One of the suggestions are taking your baby. Have you tried it? Well I have and to be honest, not a lot of work gets done and I'm not sure if the work I do manage to get done is offset by the distraction from work that my colleagues surely experience (open office). A parent co-op? All I can say that whenever I tried to organise child activities , as soon as it goes over the 2 hours threashold it has to be registered, inspected and a whole lot of regulations, paperwork sets in which includes the necessity for any workers in this scheme to be disclosed and training towards a child care qualification. Not doable for working parents.
I do like the idea of combining care for the elderly and childcare. Of course I might be naive not having experienced the ins and outs of this, but it sounds like a solution which would benefit both children and older people, so I'd like to hear more about it.
As to schools being open all day, I've been arguing for a while how it would be good to have a one stop point for childcare, i.e. a child care provider located at a school and integrating preschool and after school care. Here in Scotland at least, pre school is delivered in half day sessions, so the nurseries that are attached to schools will mostly only offer 2.5 to 3 hours a day for 4 and sometimes 3 year olds. Which is no good if you're working. There are exceptions to this but these nurseries are notoriously difficult to get your child into. After school and holiday care would be best delivered as a standard at each primary school (I've not yet even found out what holiday care there is available and how much it costs as we're lucky enough that one of the childminders can step in).
Integrated childcare. The magic word. Sounds so much better than having to stop at 6 addresses during the course of a week.
Universal childcare. The end of worries and financial strains on families, which demonstrably has led to more equal societies and happier children in the Scandinavian countries - thus actually saving money in the long run rather than costing the taxpayer (through lower rates of crime, reduced mental health costs, lower health budgets, less prison sentences, less vandalism, less substance abuse, and the list continues).
The thing is, it can be done. It's not a distant dream. It does depend on political will and public support for the idea that children are an asset for the whole of the society and not just the parents' issue; that universal and integrated childcare reaps benefit for all of us, whether we choose to have children or not. And looking at the comments on the BBC article, we are a looooong way off such public support.
The reality of childcare is more like a patchwork. So I thought things would get a) simpler and b) cheaper once Cubling starts school. That would have been the naive world view of the uninitiated. With less than a month to go before the big day of starting school, I'm awfully smug because I managed to get all my childcare needs met. Yes, you heard me, and I know it'll make some jealous and want to hit, kick and bite me, but the jigsaw is complete.
And this is what it looks like, verion 5.13:
For term time:
Cubling:
- 8-9 am Breakfast club on 4 mornings
- 9am-3pm school
- 3-6pm after school care on 2 afternoons a week
- 3-6pm childminder 1 on 2 afternoons a week.
- late work days: child minder 1
Snowflake:
- 8-5pm nursery on 3 days a week
- (will change to 2 days plus 1 day at outdoor nursery once she turns 3)
- 8-6pm childminder 1 on 1 day a week
- late work days: child minder 1
In service days:
- Childminder 1 or 2
School holidays:
- Childminder 1 and 2.
Total: 6 child care providers between two children. I've not yet figured out the total cost, but we're on the very cheap end of it all and so lucky in that respect, but one thing I have realised is that we'll be paying significantly more on childcare than we currently do with 2 under 5s. Ok, my working hours are increasing so this is probably the bulk of the additonal cost, but still, my hope that once school kicked in, childcare costs would come down was an illusion.
For the past few months, I've had headaches and near head explosions about how to get it all organised and make sure there are no pieces missing and not gaps. Thankfully, our current 2 childminders (who we fall back on for anything additional) were able to pick up the missing pieces and it all worked out just fine.
However, looking at this it becomes clear that childcare isn't the simple "just put your child into a nursery" situation. My work is not strictly 9-5pm, there are commuting times to consider. After school, school holidays and in service days.
And even if it is all looking good, I still have the conundrum that I need Snowflake to be at nursery 8.30-5.30 and the nursery will only offer me 8-5pm, leaving me half an hour short for being able to have a full working day.
One of the suggestions are taking your baby. Have you tried it? Well I have and to be honest, not a lot of work gets done and I'm not sure if the work I do manage to get done is offset by the distraction from work that my colleagues surely experience (open office). A parent co-op? All I can say that whenever I tried to organise child activities , as soon as it goes over the 2 hours threashold it has to be registered, inspected and a whole lot of regulations, paperwork sets in which includes the necessity for any workers in this scheme to be disclosed and training towards a child care qualification. Not doable for working parents.
I do like the idea of combining care for the elderly and childcare. Of course I might be naive not having experienced the ins and outs of this, but it sounds like a solution which would benefit both children and older people, so I'd like to hear more about it.
As to schools being open all day, I've been arguing for a while how it would be good to have a one stop point for childcare, i.e. a child care provider located at a school and integrating preschool and after school care. Here in Scotland at least, pre school is delivered in half day sessions, so the nurseries that are attached to schools will mostly only offer 2.5 to 3 hours a day for 4 and sometimes 3 year olds. Which is no good if you're working. There are exceptions to this but these nurseries are notoriously difficult to get your child into. After school and holiday care would be best delivered as a standard at each primary school (I've not yet even found out what holiday care there is available and how much it costs as we're lucky enough that one of the childminders can step in).
Integrated childcare. The magic word. Sounds so much better than having to stop at 6 addresses during the course of a week.
Universal childcare. The end of worries and financial strains on families, which demonstrably has led to more equal societies and happier children in the Scandinavian countries - thus actually saving money in the long run rather than costing the taxpayer (through lower rates of crime, reduced mental health costs, lower health budgets, less prison sentences, less vandalism, less substance abuse, and the list continues).
The thing is, it can be done. It's not a distant dream. It does depend on political will and public support for the idea that children are an asset for the whole of the society and not just the parents' issue; that universal and integrated childcare reaps benefit for all of us, whether we choose to have children or not. And looking at the comments on the BBC article, we are a looooong way off such public support.
Friday, 22 June 2012
of transitions, graduations, inductions and headaches
We have officially entered transition to school territory.
This is what it looks like:
2 one-hour sessions at school, perfectly placed in the middle of the day.
A graduation at the forest kindergarten (in the early afternoon)
A graduation at the pre-school (perfectly placed in the middle of the day).
A dress rehearsal for the latter (morning)
3 parent meetings, two of which are also during my working day.
That's a total of 7 half days during my working week (they always fall on my working days of course) in one month. Which will be followed by a full 3 weeks of part time schooling in August. Transition to school is definitely not made for the working parent. If I miss out, the school will have me down as a non caring or even bad parent. But really, it's all a bit much even with the best of will.
I'm losing my hair fast and quick. How do working parents manage? There is a real chance that I will have to send Cubling to her big graduation at pre-school by herself because daddy is abroad and there's a REALLY IMPORTANT training day on, that I'm sure many think I shouldn't or even mustn't miss.
Of course, I'd rather be at her graduation, then find out all about data protection (which is very important for my job, no doubt). Be there for an important day in her life, or be at a training session which in theory can be repeated but in practice may well not be. Either way I feel bad.
Now can someone make a decision for me AND make me feel ok with that decision? My head is hurting big time and I can't think anymore.
This is what it looks like:
2 one-hour sessions at school, perfectly placed in the middle of the day.
A graduation at the forest kindergarten (in the early afternoon)
A graduation at the pre-school (perfectly placed in the middle of the day).
A dress rehearsal for the latter (morning)
3 parent meetings, two of which are also during my working day.
That's a total of 7 half days during my working week (they always fall on my working days of course) in one month. Which will be followed by a full 3 weeks of part time schooling in August. Transition to school is definitely not made for the working parent. If I miss out, the school will have me down as a non caring or even bad parent. But really, it's all a bit much even with the best of will.
I'm losing my hair fast and quick. How do working parents manage? There is a real chance that I will have to send Cubling to her big graduation at pre-school by herself because daddy is abroad and there's a REALLY IMPORTANT training day on, that I'm sure many think I shouldn't or even mustn't miss.
Of course, I'd rather be at her graduation, then find out all about data protection (which is very important for my job, no doubt). Be there for an important day in her life, or be at a training session which in theory can be repeated but in practice may well not be. Either way I feel bad.
Now can someone make a decision for me AND make me feel ok with that decision? My head is hurting big time and I can't think anymore.
Thursday, 16 February 2012
In between jobs
Usually, the term in between jobs refers to some sort of unemployment.
Which is not quite the case for me.
My current job is all go as it's heading towards its final bang (and I shall be seeking the help of interested mummy and daddy bloggers to promote an exciting initiative that one of the groups of young people have come up with).
All the while, I'm being trained for my new job - still within Save the Children - which I'm also rather excited about and will be starting in April.
As part of that training, I had taken on the task of preparing 40 special play bags. Turning our living room into a giant special play bag.
I had some playful little helpers.
The fascination of the scissors has not waned. What can be cut shall be cut.
Have I ever mentioned how thankful I am to the inventor of the vacuum cleaner?
Which is not quite the case for me.
My current job is all go as it's heading towards its final bang (and I shall be seeking the help of interested mummy and daddy bloggers to promote an exciting initiative that one of the groups of young people have come up with).
All the while, I'm being trained for my new job - still within Save the Children - which I'm also rather excited about and will be starting in April.
As part of that training, I had taken on the task of preparing 40 special play bags. Turning our living room into a giant special play bag.
I had some playful little helpers.
The fascination of the scissors has not waned. What can be cut shall be cut.
Have I ever mentioned how thankful I am to the inventor of the vacuum cleaner?
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Time to breathe
The last few months were testing.
Within a month after returning to work from maternity leave, redundancy was looming, and it looked as good as certain that I had no choice in the matter and would lose my job. And while in a sense everything is an opportunity, if the opportunity is not a choice, it is rather less attractive than it would otherwise be. In a way, redundancy had some attraction, what with two children in nursery, the logistical nightmare of juggling work, nursery run and generally work and family, and the feeling that it's difficult to do both parenting and work justice.
However, having had that discussion during my maternity leave, I also admit that I'm not the best of parent if I do it 24/7. Yes, work and parenting stresses me out, particularly if the evening meal has to be cooked with two tired and moaning children in toe or when pre-schooler won't cooperate to get out of the house in the morning. But parenting alone is no less stressful. I often wonder if the fact that I became a parent later in life means that I find it difficult to go with the flow because I was so used to be in control of my life - when now even the simplest of things can be a massive effort of organisation, persistence and determination. The bottom line is that I enjoy work and the opportunity for getting things done without major distractions.
The situation changed from imposition to having an element of choice, or at least it was no longer definite that I'd be hit by redundancy. Then the question of working hours came in and long representations were made, and listened to. Redundancy was still going to happen, but it was delayed and my working hours reduced. There were internal opportunities for different roles, I applied, messed up the interview for a job that was exciting but also so demanding that I wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I applied for a second internal job and this time got it. Redundancy, for now, is far off the horizon. However I'd lost some fab colleagues.
While all of this was happening, I was also trying to do a full time job in 3 days a week. Most evenings were spent at the computer trying to make ends meet, trying to fill the gaps of the day. During the week of the second interview, I organised and ran an event while I also prepared for an interview and did the whole organising Christmas stuff. I experienced literally running on edge. Insomnia, worry, and questions that shake the core. I'm a pretty stable person but truth be told, I couldn't do that week again tomorrow. It would crack me up.
But it's over. It's all good. I have the job of my dreams - well, as close as it gets in real life; but really, it's a fab new role that I truly believe in and that I'm totally committed to. I have it on part time hours. I have it from April which means I can complete my current work properly. There couldn't have been a better outcome.
The main outcome for me though is that I can truly relax and breathe for Christmas. That I can enjoy the break rather than continue the worry and anxiety. There was a time when I took unemployment and new routes in my life at a stride. With children, this is no longer the case, stability and security have become my best mates.
So for the next two weeks, I shall be able to enjoy spending time with my family without the constant worry that distracts me. I'm looking forward to a bit of knitting and reading, to playing and going for walks, to conversations that don't revolve around redundancy.
And I'm extremely thankful for this. Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas everyone!
Within a month after returning to work from maternity leave, redundancy was looming, and it looked as good as certain that I had no choice in the matter and would lose my job. And while in a sense everything is an opportunity, if the opportunity is not a choice, it is rather less attractive than it would otherwise be. In a way, redundancy had some attraction, what with two children in nursery, the logistical nightmare of juggling work, nursery run and generally work and family, and the feeling that it's difficult to do both parenting and work justice.
However, having had that discussion during my maternity leave, I also admit that I'm not the best of parent if I do it 24/7. Yes, work and parenting stresses me out, particularly if the evening meal has to be cooked with two tired and moaning children in toe or when pre-schooler won't cooperate to get out of the house in the morning. But parenting alone is no less stressful. I often wonder if the fact that I became a parent later in life means that I find it difficult to go with the flow because I was so used to be in control of my life - when now even the simplest of things can be a massive effort of organisation, persistence and determination. The bottom line is that I enjoy work and the opportunity for getting things done without major distractions.
The situation changed from imposition to having an element of choice, or at least it was no longer definite that I'd be hit by redundancy. Then the question of working hours came in and long representations were made, and listened to. Redundancy was still going to happen, but it was delayed and my working hours reduced. There were internal opportunities for different roles, I applied, messed up the interview for a job that was exciting but also so demanding that I wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I applied for a second internal job and this time got it. Redundancy, for now, is far off the horizon. However I'd lost some fab colleagues.
While all of this was happening, I was also trying to do a full time job in 3 days a week. Most evenings were spent at the computer trying to make ends meet, trying to fill the gaps of the day. During the week of the second interview, I organised and ran an event while I also prepared for an interview and did the whole organising Christmas stuff. I experienced literally running on edge. Insomnia, worry, and questions that shake the core. I'm a pretty stable person but truth be told, I couldn't do that week again tomorrow. It would crack me up.
But it's over. It's all good. I have the job of my dreams - well, as close as it gets in real life; but really, it's a fab new role that I truly believe in and that I'm totally committed to. I have it on part time hours. I have it from April which means I can complete my current work properly. There couldn't have been a better outcome.
The main outcome for me though is that I can truly relax and breathe for Christmas. That I can enjoy the break rather than continue the worry and anxiety. There was a time when I took unemployment and new routes in my life at a stride. With children, this is no longer the case, stability and security have become my best mates.
So for the next two weeks, I shall be able to enjoy spending time with my family without the constant worry that distracts me. I'm looking forward to a bit of knitting and reading, to playing and going for walks, to conversations that don't revolve around redundancy.
And I'm extremely thankful for this. Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas everyone!
Thursday, 20 October 2011
It's all nothing and that's all
My head is exploding because my mind is going around in endless circles.
I am a mother of two preschoolers. My husband works out of town and the commute is long. I love to spend time with my children. I love work too, because it gives me space and time to create, to plan, to deliver, to think and reflect. I'm a better mother if I work some part of the week. I have patience and enthusiasm for my children every day I spend with them.
In an ideal world, I would like to work 3 full days. Alas, this world isn't ideal. There are many fabulous jobs kicking around this week, and for this week only, jobs that appeal to what I'm passionate about.
All of these jobs are full time, involve unsociable hours and a lot of travel. Informal discussions about flexible working hours or job share have led to nothing. These kind of jobs are for people who can focus their whole attention on the job, who do not have to comply with hours offered by childcare providers (or who have granny living next door? Or a nanny? Not sure. Maybe people without kids?). I want each of these jobs. I really do.
So here it is, the weighing scales that is my brain. Redundancy, unemployment, downshifting stay at home mum with some fabulous business plan ideas that may or may not be viable on the one hand. Full time working mum under constant stress in very fullfilling job with a cleaner at home and kids in full time childcare on the other hand.
It's not a choice I ever dreamt of having to make. It's not one I like. Above all, it's difficult to ensure the choice is not led by fear of unscertainty, but by what I truly want my life to look like. And to be honest, neither option appeals too much for all the weighing up I do.
So this is what women's lib and equal opportunities looks like. Opportunities are equal as long as you deliver the same long working week, unsociable hours in the same high pressured job as your childless colleague. I'm 40, and I'm not sure if I've got the energy for this, as highly motivated, enthusiastic, and determined I may be. Seems it's between all or nothing, just that it's not quite clear what "all" and "nothing" are in this equation. Or is it all nothing and that's all?
I am a mother of two preschoolers. My husband works out of town and the commute is long. I love to spend time with my children. I love work too, because it gives me space and time to create, to plan, to deliver, to think and reflect. I'm a better mother if I work some part of the week. I have patience and enthusiasm for my children every day I spend with them.
In an ideal world, I would like to work 3 full days. Alas, this world isn't ideal. There are many fabulous jobs kicking around this week, and for this week only, jobs that appeal to what I'm passionate about.
All of these jobs are full time, involve unsociable hours and a lot of travel. Informal discussions about flexible working hours or job share have led to nothing. These kind of jobs are for people who can focus their whole attention on the job, who do not have to comply with hours offered by childcare providers (or who have granny living next door? Or a nanny? Not sure. Maybe people without kids?). I want each of these jobs. I really do.
So here it is, the weighing scales that is my brain. Redundancy, unemployment, downshifting stay at home mum with some fabulous business plan ideas that may or may not be viable on the one hand. Full time working mum under constant stress in very fullfilling job with a cleaner at home and kids in full time childcare on the other hand.
It's not a choice I ever dreamt of having to make. It's not one I like. Above all, it's difficult to ensure the choice is not led by fear of unscertainty, but by what I truly want my life to look like. And to be honest, neither option appeals too much for all the weighing up I do.
So this is what women's lib and equal opportunities looks like. Opportunities are equal as long as you deliver the same long working week, unsociable hours in the same high pressured job as your childless colleague. I'm 40, and I'm not sure if I've got the energy for this, as highly motivated, enthusiastic, and determined I may be. Seems it's between all or nothing, just that it's not quite clear what "all" and "nothing" are in this equation. Or is it all nothing and that's all?
Monday, 26 September 2011
Take the money and run?
Life has a strange sense of irony. There I was, toing and froing during my maternity leave about what the perfect work/life balance was, if downshifting and spending more time at home was the right road for me or whether I should make use of the skills and knowledge I have and be a working mum.
Just as I'd made my decision to remain in work but maybe try and see if I could reduce my hours at some point in the nearish future; just when I'd returned to work and realised how fab it was to be able to focus your attention on a task at hand instead of the constant multitasking and attending to needy preschoolers (as much as I may enjoy it), when I'd just made my mind up that a 3 day working week was the perfect work/life balance for me at this point in life, I'm told that by the end of the year I'd be out of a job.
To which my reaction as something along the lines of not being sure whether to laugh or to cry. I wasn't devastated when I heard the news, having thought the thought I was prepared. There are rather a few ideas, sparks of opportunity, flying around in my head. None of that compares to the rather snug situation of being in employed work, but you know, I find it easy to fill my days and there were even some exciting plans of what I could do instead of employed work for the sake of trying things out.
Just that the bottom line is that I didn't choose redundancy. It still is imposed and for that, unwelcome. Particularly so in a time of general recession, knowing that if I take a career break now, I'll most likely have missed the career train for good.
There are bitter thoughts too, about the fact that in the middle of my life, with lots of skills and experience behind me, there is no job security, that like many others in a similar situation, I'm so easily dispensable. Bitter thoughts too about the glass ceiling and the way that having put my career on hold due to juggling work and family life, it seems the only route is down when I know that if I set my mind to it and didn't have a family, the route could be up.
Then there is the look into the future: Any employed work in my field is offered on a non job share, full time basis. Effectively, through redundancy I am made to choose between career or my family. I do not wish to work full time at this point in life, but I also do not wish to be a stay at home mum. However, there is no in between. While there is a choice, the choice is not at all satisfactory or even acceptable to me. Flexible working hours are for the most part, at least in my field of work, a luxury for those within paid employment. If you have to change jobs, even within the same organisation, they disappear into thin air.
So what will my plan of action be? Will I consider full time employment opportunities? Will I take the money and run, set up as a bilingual/trilingual childminder with lots of outdoor play time for the kids? Will I return to teaching and depend on sessional work and face the childcare nightmare that entails? Will I become, against all expectations that I ever held in my life, a stay at home mum?
Decision making has never been my strength. I've been through the arguments. The issue is the lack of a solution that actually works for me. That 3 day a week job, that unfortunately doesn't actually exist.
Just as I'd made my decision to remain in work but maybe try and see if I could reduce my hours at some point in the nearish future; just when I'd returned to work and realised how fab it was to be able to focus your attention on a task at hand instead of the constant multitasking and attending to needy preschoolers (as much as I may enjoy it), when I'd just made my mind up that a 3 day working week was the perfect work/life balance for me at this point in life, I'm told that by the end of the year I'd be out of a job.
To which my reaction as something along the lines of not being sure whether to laugh or to cry. I wasn't devastated when I heard the news, having thought the thought I was prepared. There are rather a few ideas, sparks of opportunity, flying around in my head. None of that compares to the rather snug situation of being in employed work, but you know, I find it easy to fill my days and there were even some exciting plans of what I could do instead of employed work for the sake of trying things out.
Just that the bottom line is that I didn't choose redundancy. It still is imposed and for that, unwelcome. Particularly so in a time of general recession, knowing that if I take a career break now, I'll most likely have missed the career train for good.
There are bitter thoughts too, about the fact that in the middle of my life, with lots of skills and experience behind me, there is no job security, that like many others in a similar situation, I'm so easily dispensable. Bitter thoughts too about the glass ceiling and the way that having put my career on hold due to juggling work and family life, it seems the only route is down when I know that if I set my mind to it and didn't have a family, the route could be up.
Then there is the look into the future: Any employed work in my field is offered on a non job share, full time basis. Effectively, through redundancy I am made to choose between career or my family. I do not wish to work full time at this point in life, but I also do not wish to be a stay at home mum. However, there is no in between. While there is a choice, the choice is not at all satisfactory or even acceptable to me. Flexible working hours are for the most part, at least in my field of work, a luxury for those within paid employment. If you have to change jobs, even within the same organisation, they disappear into thin air.
So what will my plan of action be? Will I consider full time employment opportunities? Will I take the money and run, set up as a bilingual/trilingual childminder with lots of outdoor play time for the kids? Will I return to teaching and depend on sessional work and face the childcare nightmare that entails? Will I become, against all expectations that I ever held in my life, a stay at home mum?
Decision making has never been my strength. I've been through the arguments. The issue is the lack of a solution that actually works for me. That 3 day a week job, that unfortunately doesn't actually exist.
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Things I forgot in the past 12 months
After four weeks back at work, there's a few things I realised I'd entirely forgotten:
- It's amazingly cool to sit down at my desk and be able to concentrate on a job that needs done without any interruption other than being asked if I want a cuppa.
- Tea tastes better hot.
- Adult conversations that last longer than 10 seconds are pretty fun, even though I'm a bit rusty.
- I feel totally and utterly good about myself because I'm doing work that goes from A to D via B and C and is not eternally interrupted by whining, bum wiping, food providing and baby holding. Yay, I feel like I'm being productive.
- That mummy guilt disappears once baby smiles when dropped off AND picked up .
- That it feels horrible when baby cries when dropped off AND picked up.
- That baby will start enjoying nursery.
- That I have some really amazingly lovely colleagues.
- And that having a 3 day working week (though temporary until my accrued annual leave is used up) is in fact the perfect work / life balance for me.
Shame it looks like I'll be made redundant at the end of the year. Which once again proves that just when you thought you had your life all sussed out, someone in the background was just having a bad joke with you.
- It's amazingly cool to sit down at my desk and be able to concentrate on a job that needs done without any interruption other than being asked if I want a cuppa.
- Tea tastes better hot.
- Adult conversations that last longer than 10 seconds are pretty fun, even though I'm a bit rusty.
- I feel totally and utterly good about myself because I'm doing work that goes from A to D via B and C and is not eternally interrupted by whining, bum wiping, food providing and baby holding. Yay, I feel like I'm being productive.
- That mummy guilt disappears once baby smiles when dropped off AND picked up .
- That it feels horrible when baby cries when dropped off AND picked up.
- That baby will start enjoying nursery.
- That I have some really amazingly lovely colleagues.
- And that having a 3 day working week (though temporary until my accrued annual leave is used up) is in fact the perfect work / life balance for me.
Shame it looks like I'll be made redundant at the end of the year. Which once again proves that just when you thought you had your life all sussed out, someone in the background was just having a bad joke with you.
Friday, 6 August 2010
Full time mama
From today for a full year, I will be a full time mama. It hasn't yet quite sunk in, maybe it'll happen next week when I don't actually go to work. For now, there's a mixture of feelings about it all. I know I'll miss my work - my wonderful colleagues, the banter, the serious discussions too of how to best make a difference. That's the beauty of working in the voluntary sector, everyone is in it for the cause ultimately and passionate about what they do and how they do it. Even for all the frustration there can be, it never gets boring and it's a great environment to be in.
I also remember very well my last maternity leave, which was shorter. Back then, motherhood hit me like a sledgehammer. My life change beyond recognition and as much as I adored my beautiful daughter, loved her every cell, the adaptation to life as a parent wasn't an easy ride. I longed to be back at work, for very profane reasons: to be able to manage my time according to mostly my priorities, to be able to drink a cup of hot tea, go to the loo by myself, to feel a sense of achievement at the end of the day rather than the never ending repetition of tasks without immediate purpose.
However, returning to work after just 6 months also meant additional strains: a baby who wasn't ready for childcare yet, the constant rush, the juggling of parenting and working and feeling like neither was done as it should have been. Only slowly a balance emerged, only to be thrown off course again. So now, I'm more than ready to embrace being a full time mama because I'm tired. Very tired. Pregnancy tired but more than that, working mum tired. While I worry that I may feel a bit isolated, a bit lonely, a bit without proper purpose, I embrace this time where I hope not to feel pulled into three directions at once without ever getting any sense of balance. And I know the time will pass very quickly, so I'm determined to make the best of it.
I wouldn't even mind going overdue again this time, more time for that longed for balance that will surely be overthrown once a newborn is thrown into the equation.
Finally, I'm getting ready for baby. Cubling and I went shopping and she was loving it. I was glad to get it done, so as to feel a bit more prepared but I also always worry about whether it's the right thing to shop for baby, because, you know, one never knows. But that's a different story.
Time now to tackle the ole to do list and get this place ready. Not just for baby, but for all of us.
I also remember very well my last maternity leave, which was shorter. Back then, motherhood hit me like a sledgehammer. My life change beyond recognition and as much as I adored my beautiful daughter, loved her every cell, the adaptation to life as a parent wasn't an easy ride. I longed to be back at work, for very profane reasons: to be able to manage my time according to mostly my priorities, to be able to drink a cup of hot tea, go to the loo by myself, to feel a sense of achievement at the end of the day rather than the never ending repetition of tasks without immediate purpose.
However, returning to work after just 6 months also meant additional strains: a baby who wasn't ready for childcare yet, the constant rush, the juggling of parenting and working and feeling like neither was done as it should have been. Only slowly a balance emerged, only to be thrown off course again. So now, I'm more than ready to embrace being a full time mama because I'm tired. Very tired. Pregnancy tired but more than that, working mum tired. While I worry that I may feel a bit isolated, a bit lonely, a bit without proper purpose, I embrace this time where I hope not to feel pulled into three directions at once without ever getting any sense of balance. And I know the time will pass very quickly, so I'm determined to make the best of it.
I wouldn't even mind going overdue again this time, more time for that longed for balance that will surely be overthrown once a newborn is thrown into the equation.
Finally, I'm getting ready for baby. Cubling and I went shopping and she was loving it. I was glad to get it done, so as to feel a bit more prepared but I also always worry about whether it's the right thing to shop for baby, because, you know, one never knows. But that's a different story.
Time now to tackle the ole to do list and get this place ready. Not just for baby, but for all of us.
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