Time to breathe

The last few months were testing.

Within a month after returning to work from maternity leave, redundancy was looming, and it looked as good as certain that I had no choice in the matter and would lose my job. And while in a sense everything is an opportunity, if the opportunity is not a choice, it is rather less attractive than it would otherwise be. In a way, redundancy had some attraction, what with two children in nursery, the logistical nightmare of juggling work, nursery run and generally work and family, and the feeling that it's difficult to do both parenting and work justice.

However, having had that discussion during my maternity leave, I also admit that I'm not the best of parent if I do it 24/7. Yes, work and parenting stresses me out, particularly if the evening meal has to be cooked with two tired and moaning children in toe or when pre-schooler won't cooperate to get out of the house in the morning. But parenting alone is no less stressful. I often wonder if the fact that I became a parent later in life means that I find it difficult to go with the flow because I was so used to be in control of my life - when now even the simplest of things can be a massive effort of organisation, persistence and determination. The bottom line is that I enjoy work and the opportunity for getting things done without major distractions.

The situation changed from imposition to having an element of choice, or at least it was no longer definite that I'd be hit by redundancy. Then the question of working hours came in and long representations were made, and listened to. Redundancy was still going to happen, but it was delayed and my working hours reduced. There were internal opportunities for different roles, I applied, messed up the interview for a job that was exciting but also so demanding that I wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I applied for a second internal job and this time got it. Redundancy, for now, is far off the horizon. However I'd lost some fab colleagues.

While all of this was happening, I was also trying to do a full time job in 3 days a week. Most evenings were spent at the computer trying to make ends meet, trying to fill the gaps of the day. During the week of the second interview, I organised and ran an event while I also prepared for an interview and did the whole organising Christmas stuff. I experienced literally running on edge. Insomnia, worry, and  questions that shake the core. I'm a pretty stable person but truth be told, I couldn't do that week again tomorrow. It would crack me up.

But it's over. It's all good. I have the job of my dreams - well, as close as it gets in real life; but really, it's a fab new role that I truly believe in and that I'm totally committed to. I have it on part time hours. I have it from April which means I can complete my current work properly. There couldn't have been a better outcome.

The main outcome for me though is that I can truly relax and breathe for Christmas. That I can enjoy the break rather than continue the worry and anxiety. There was a time when I took unemployment and new routes in my life at a stride. With children, this is no longer the case, stability and security have become my best mates.

So for the next two weeks, I shall be able to enjoy spending time with my family without the constant worry that distracts me. I'm looking forward to a bit of knitting and reading, to playing and going for walks, to conversations that don't revolve around redundancy.

And I'm extremely thankful for this. Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas everyone!

It's all nothing and that's all

My head is exploding because my mind is going around in endless circles.

I am a mother of two preschoolers. My husband works out of town and the commute is long. I love to spend time with my children. I love work too, because it gives me space and time to create, to plan, to deliver, to think and reflect. I'm a better mother if I work some part of the week. I have patience and enthusiasm for my children every day I spend with them.

In an ideal world, I would like to work 3 full days. Alas, this world isn't ideal. There are many fabulous jobs kicking around this week, and for this week only, jobs that appeal to what I'm passionate about.

All of these jobs are full time, involve unsociable hours and a lot of travel. Informal discussions about flexible working hours or job share have led to nothing. These kind of jobs are for people who can focus their whole attention on the job, who do not have to comply with hours offered by childcare providers (or who have granny living next door? Or a nanny? Not sure. Maybe people without kids?). I want each of these jobs. I really do.

So here it is, the weighing scales that is my brain. Redundancy, unemployment, downshifting stay at home mum with some fabulous business plan ideas that may or may not be viable on the one hand. Full time working mum under constant stress in very fullfilling job with a cleaner at home and kids in full time childcare on the other hand.

It's not a choice I ever dreamt of having to make. It's not one I like. Above all, it's difficult to ensure the choice is not led by fear of unscertainty, but by what I truly want my life to look like. And to be honest, neither option appeals too much for all the weighing up I do.

So this is what women's lib and equal opportunities looks like. Opportunities are equal as long as you deliver the same long working week, unsociable hours in the same high pressured job as your childless colleague. I'm 40, and I'm not sure if I've got the energy for this, as highly motivated, enthusiastic, and determined I may be. Seems it's between all or nothing, just that it's not quite clear what "all" and "nothing" are in this equation. Or is it all nothing and that's all?

Wrapped up Bitterness

There's so much confusion in my head that blogging isn't working anymore. I wrote a long long post and wasn't sure if I should publish it. It was bitter. It was my perspective on what is happening at the moment and my unhappiness about it. I showed it to Mr Cartside and his feedback got me thinking. Not that I necessarily agreed with all his views, the thinking process was important and having this really different perspective that challenged mine not just superficially but deep down.

So the post will remain unpublished, but I'll keep it, my own record of how I felt at this time, on one day. Because truth be told every day is different. There are those where I'm elated at the prospect of redundancy and being able to spend more time with the kids, watch them grow, not having to leave this baby of mine at the nursery (4 year old loves nursery so I don't feel quite so bad). Being able to impart things to them that are important to me. Or elated by the possibilities of this challenge, of all the things I could focus my energy on.

Then the days where I don't think I'm made for that, where I so just want a job.

In between the soul searching of why I actually want to work. Is it the money and status that it brings? Is it for my peace of mind because I'm doing something good? Is it because I enjoy work or the adult company? What do I do it for and what is it that I actually want? Do I really want, need to work or is it just something that I tell myself because of an ongoing reaction against the world view of my mother (who was a stay at home mum and who believed that a woman's place was at the kitchen sink and in church and wasn't she right in some ways because at least she didn't have as many balls to juggle as I do?).

I've considered self employment. I've considered applying for posts that I see coming up. I've considered voluntary redundancy and full time employment for the same employer in a new role. Can I make my mind up? The theory is crystal clear - I'd like a work life balance that works. I want a job that I can feel passionate about. I'm not sure how I would feel not bringing any money into the house so that is something to bring into the equation, but I also know that this is my own problem that I need to get clear about.

One day I'm sure I want scenario A. The next day I want scenario B and the third day I'm sure scenario C is the way to go. Day 4 and none of these scenarios seems likely to happen and I feel like sticking my head in the sand. Too many variables, too many uncertainties.

I think I have come closer to what the best two options would be for me. But it's one of those Day 4s. And I think I'll just crawl into a corner with a hot chocolate and knit a bit tonight and transform bitterness, uncertainty and disappointment into stitches to keep us warm this winter.

Take the money and run?

Life has a strange sense of irony. There I was, toing and froing during my maternity leave about what the perfect work/life balance was, if downshifting and spending more time at home was the right road for me or whether I should make use of the skills and knowledge I have and be a working mum.

Just as I'd made my decision to remain in work but maybe try and see if I could reduce my hours at some point in the nearish future; just when I'd returned to work and realised how fab it was to be able to focus your attention on a task at hand instead of the constant multitasking and attending to needy preschoolers (as much as I may enjoy it), when I'd just made my mind up that a 3 day working week was the perfect work/life balance for me at this point in life, I'm told that by the end of the year I'd be out of a job.

To which my reaction as something along the lines of not being sure whether to laugh or to cry. I wasn't devastated when I heard the news, having thought the thought I was prepared. There are rather a few ideas, sparks of opportunity, flying around in my head. None of that compares to the rather snug situation of being in employed work, but you know, I find it easy to fill my days and there were even some exciting plans of what I could do instead of employed work for the sake of trying things out.

Just that the bottom line is that I didn't choose redundancy. It still is imposed and for that, unwelcome. Particularly so in a time of general recession, knowing that if I take a career break now, I'll most likely have missed the career train for good.

There are bitter thoughts too, about the fact that in the middle of my life, with lots of skills and experience behind me, there is no job security, that like many others in a similar situation, I'm so easily dispensable. Bitter thoughts too about the glass ceiling and the way that having put my career on hold due to juggling work and family life, it seems the only route is down when I know that if I set my mind to it and didn't have a family, the route could be up.

Then there is the look into the future: Any employed work in my field is offered on a non job share, full time basis. Effectively, through redundancy I am made to choose between career or my family. I do not wish to work full time at this point in life, but I also do not wish to be a stay at home mum. However, there is no in between. While there is a choice, the choice is not at all satisfactory or even acceptable to me. Flexible working hours are for the most part, at least in my field of work, a luxury for those within paid employment. If you have to change jobs, even within the same organisation, they disappear into thin air.

So what will my plan of action be? Will I consider full time employment opportunities? Will I take the money and run, set up as a bilingual/trilingual childminder with lots of outdoor play time for the kids? Will I return to teaching and depend on sessional work and face the childcare nightmare that entails? Will I become, against all expectations that I ever held in my life, a stay at home mum?

Decision making has never been my strength. I've been through the arguments. The issue is the lack of a solution that actually works for me. That 3 day a week job, that unfortunately doesn't actually exist.

Things I forgot in the past 12 months

After four weeks back at work, there's a few things I realised I'd entirely forgotten:

- It's amazingly cool to sit down at my desk and be able to concentrate on a job that needs done without any interruption other than being asked if I want a cuppa.

- Tea tastes better hot.

- Adult conversations that last longer than 10 seconds are pretty fun, even though I'm a bit rusty.

- I feel totally and utterly good about myself because I'm doing work that goes from A to D via B and C and is not eternally interrupted by whining, bum wiping, food providing and baby holding. Yay, I feel like I'm being productive.

- That mummy guilt disappears once baby smiles when dropped off AND picked up .

- That it feels horrible when baby cries when dropped off AND picked up.

- That baby will start enjoying nursery.

- That I have some really amazingly lovely colleagues.

- And that having a 3 day working week (though temporary until my accrued annual leave is used up) is in fact the perfect work / life balance for me.

Shame it looks like I'll be made redundant at the end of the year. Which once again proves that just when you thought you had your life all sussed out, someone in the background was just having a bad joke with you.