It's all nothing and that's all

My head is exploding because my mind is going around in endless circles.

I am a mother of two preschoolers. My husband works out of town and the commute is long. I love to spend time with my children. I love work too, because it gives me space and time to create, to plan, to deliver, to think and reflect. I'm a better mother if I work some part of the week. I have patience and enthusiasm for my children every day I spend with them.

In an ideal world, I would like to work 3 full days. Alas, this world isn't ideal. There are many fabulous jobs kicking around this week, and for this week only, jobs that appeal to what I'm passionate about.

All of these jobs are full time, involve unsociable hours and a lot of travel. Informal discussions about flexible working hours or job share have led to nothing. These kind of jobs are for people who can focus their whole attention on the job, who do not have to comply with hours offered by childcare providers (or who have granny living next door? Or a nanny? Not sure. Maybe people without kids?). I want each of these jobs. I really do.

So here it is, the weighing scales that is my brain. Redundancy, unemployment, downshifting stay at home mum with some fabulous business plan ideas that may or may not be viable on the one hand. Full time working mum under constant stress in very fullfilling job with a cleaner at home and kids in full time childcare on the other hand.

It's not a choice I ever dreamt of having to make. It's not one I like. Above all, it's difficult to ensure the choice is not led by fear of unscertainty, but by what I truly want my life to look like. And to be honest, neither option appeals too much for all the weighing up I do.

So this is what women's lib and equal opportunities looks like. Opportunities are equal as long as you deliver the same long working week, unsociable hours in the same high pressured job as your childless colleague. I'm 40, and I'm not sure if I've got the energy for this, as highly motivated, enthusiastic, and determined I may be. Seems it's between all or nothing, just that it's not quite clear what "all" and "nothing" are in this equation. Or is it all nothing and that's all?

The Last Straw

Dear Blog. I've neglected you recently, I know. I wish I could promise improvement but alas, life is full of surprises and there's not enough time to take note of them all.

• there are puddles of water in the kitchen and it appears they may have been there for a while considering the expansion of the kitchen units (ok, Mr Cartside, I admit, it was water)
• there are endless changes in the likelihood of what my working future may look like (and I'm losing track)
• there is a baby who's teething so bad that she screams day and night (FFS, what IS it about those darn teeth?)
• there is a photobook to be made and tons of photos to be edited (why oh why did we take that many photos? Are we mad????)
• there are two adult size cardigans to be knit and that unfinished jumper size 6 months? Well, that baby is 13 months now. Hubby's birthday has been and gone as well and he's still cardiganless.
• there are about 20 jobs that I'd like to apply for and not enough time in the day to do so (they are all full time and I still don't know at which point in an application process the question around flexible working hours and job share is best asked)
• there are more adventurous ideas in my head demanding to be explored yet no space and time to do so because ...
• there's also a rather demanding job that still needs to be done even if it may only be for another two months.

I am not far off losing my mind ever so slightly. I've most definitely reached the point of "mummy can't do that!". Now can some plumbing hero please fix my kitchen?

Wrapped up Bitterness

There's so much confusion in my head that blogging isn't working anymore. I wrote a long long post and wasn't sure if I should publish it. It was bitter. It was my perspective on what is happening at the moment and my unhappiness about it. I showed it to Mr Cartside and his feedback got me thinking. Not that I necessarily agreed with all his views, the thinking process was important and having this really different perspective that challenged mine not just superficially but deep down.

So the post will remain unpublished, but I'll keep it, my own record of how I felt at this time, on one day. Because truth be told every day is different. There are those where I'm elated at the prospect of redundancy and being able to spend more time with the kids, watch them grow, not having to leave this baby of mine at the nursery (4 year old loves nursery so I don't feel quite so bad). Being able to impart things to them that are important to me. Or elated by the possibilities of this challenge, of all the things I could focus my energy on.

Then the days where I don't think I'm made for that, where I so just want a job.

In between the soul searching of why I actually want to work. Is it the money and status that it brings? Is it for my peace of mind because I'm doing something good? Is it because I enjoy work or the adult company? What do I do it for and what is it that I actually want? Do I really want, need to work or is it just something that I tell myself because of an ongoing reaction against the world view of my mother (who was a stay at home mum and who believed that a woman's place was at the kitchen sink and in church and wasn't she right in some ways because at least she didn't have as many balls to juggle as I do?).

I've considered self employment. I've considered applying for posts that I see coming up. I've considered voluntary redundancy and full time employment for the same employer in a new role. Can I make my mind up? The theory is crystal clear - I'd like a work life balance that works. I want a job that I can feel passionate about. I'm not sure how I would feel not bringing any money into the house so that is something to bring into the equation, but I also know that this is my own problem that I need to get clear about.

One day I'm sure I want scenario A. The next day I want scenario B and the third day I'm sure scenario C is the way to go. Day 4 and none of these scenarios seems likely to happen and I feel like sticking my head in the sand. Too many variables, too many uncertainties.

I think I have come closer to what the best two options would be for me. But it's one of those Day 4s. And I think I'll just crawl into a corner with a hot chocolate and knit a bit tonight and transform bitterness, uncertainty and disappointment into stitches to keep us warm this winter.

Theatre people are weird...

Remember I'm trying to get rid of all that baby gear? Well, bit by bit I can see some floorspace again, though the massive bag I had meant to pass on to a friend is still sitting there as inconveniently, the baby arrived on time. And I thought first babies are always late...

Some items are listed on Gumtree and Netmums, you know, those things that have some sort of resell value. For example, there's this Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper Mini which we thought would be a good idea for those early days. It was great as a storage space and admittedly, Snowflake didn't spend much time in it. Considering that these Co-sleepers retail new for £200, and that this one is used but still perfectly functional, and I bought new mattress and lots of bedding for it, you'd forgive that I think I could sell it on rather than pass it on.

So then, I rejoiced when I had a reply in my inbox. It was a bit odd though, not a prospective mum looking for it but some theatre person looking for a prop. Hm, I'm funny that way but I'd rather give it to someone who'll use it for a baby rather than a play, but I'm not against culture and do have a soft spot for some good theatre so I keep an open mind. I read on. It says something about an actress wanting to sit on it. Ahem. Why? (thunk I) Would it support her weight? (asked she)

Baffled I respond that in all honesty, I don't think it would being designed for a BABY for up to 6 months. That I'd suspect it would probably support a maximum weight of 10-15kg. (I was spot on by the way, maximum weight is 30 lbs) But please do check the specifications in case I'm wrong (you know, like, google it? Read between the lines: I just wanna sell it and don't fancy researching if an actress can sit on it). Not much time passes and I get a reply back:

"The actress in question is about 8/9st, Is there anyone about her size there you could ask to try get on it to see how it reacts to the weight.  Also if you manage to get someone on it can you send me a few pictures so I can see how it reacts to the weight and also get a better idea as to the size of the item."

You what? You mean I should try and source an anorexic person (ok maybe an older child) to sit it on MY PRECIOUS Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper Mini and watch how it collapses under the weight, possibly on top of my baby, while taking a photo of it which I then, after having paid damages to the injured child in question, send to the theatre person? That'll really help me sell my beloved co-sleeper.

Hello? I don't think so. Feel free to do your own risk assessment. Sorry. I guess I'll keep my Co-sleeper for the moment. (Shakes head in utter disbelief)

Giveaway: Kids Cook the World

The other day, ok, it may have been the other month, I was delighted to be asked to review "Kids Cook the World" - a cook book for kids, with recipes from across the world. I was delighted because I'm always on the lookout for a few additions to my limited list of recipes (I'm not very creative when it comes to cooking) and while I have enough cook books that are sitting unused in my cupboard, this one is a bit different.

For one, the recipes are simple so that kids can cook. That's a nice thought, even nicer because it also makes it easier for me (I don't have much patience for overly complicated recipes with ingredients lists the length of a page). Lots of pictures make the book attractive and easy to follow.

With each recipe comes some information on the country it comes from - not too much, just enough to be an introduction and to captivate a child's imagination.
 

The cook book is published by Solidarity Sports and raises money for their community work in projects that give young people living in disadvantaged communities in London key life skills. It's a great and positive way to raise funds for this work. The countries where the recipes come from reflect the countries the young people involved in Solidarity Sports come from, and the book encourages curiosity for these countries among the children using the book.

If there's one thing I don't like so much it's the format - A4 is a bit big for my small kitchen, and I generally prefer spiral bound cook books because they just work better in the kitchen. But other than that, it's a colourful celebration of cultures and food and will encourage healthy and varied eating habits.

Kids Cook the World (£9.99) is just published by New Internationalist and Solidarity Sports. Order online at http://shop.newint.org. You can also buy it through the Amnesty International online shop.

And to celebrate the launch, I have a copy available for one lucky reader! Simply leave a comment to enter and tweet this post for an additional entry (please include @cartside so I can keep track). And for another chance to win a copy, why not head over to my other blog, Nature Kids where I'll be giving away a second copy on Sunday. Competition is open to UK residents only and will close on Sunday at midnight. Good luck!

and when it gets really bad - keep calm and knit

When the nerves are raw, the mind full of worry, there's one thing that is forever soothing and grounding.

Cubling needed a new hat for the winter. Urgently as she's back at the forest kindergarten. I knew it had to be an ear flap hat, I wanted to do some fair isle just because I hadn't done it in a while. So I found myself the Norwegian Star Ear Flap hat. But as I prefer to knit from top to bottom, I merged it with with the Thorpe pattern. I guessed the length of the hat, which meant it's a bit generous but other than that... I like. So I guess it's a Norwegian Thorpe.

Little Miss Cheekychops of course refused to get her picture taken, or to even wear it. This is the only photo I got, which neither shows the earflaps nor my pride, the crocheted border particularly well. Yes, I crocheted this and it doesn't even look as if I don't actually know how to crochet.

The yarn hails from a Föhr sheep - it's hand spun and hand dyed, and I love the colour scheme, which I often get wrong, but I think this one works. There's still a good bit of yarn left, definitely enough for another hat, maybe even two.

Take the money and run?

Life has a strange sense of irony. There I was, toing and froing during my maternity leave about what the perfect work/life balance was, if downshifting and spending more time at home was the right road for me or whether I should make use of the skills and knowledge I have and be a working mum.

Just as I'd made my decision to remain in work but maybe try and see if I could reduce my hours at some point in the nearish future; just when I'd returned to work and realised how fab it was to be able to focus your attention on a task at hand instead of the constant multitasking and attending to needy preschoolers (as much as I may enjoy it), when I'd just made my mind up that a 3 day working week was the perfect work/life balance for me at this point in life, I'm told that by the end of the year I'd be out of a job.

To which my reaction as something along the lines of not being sure whether to laugh or to cry. I wasn't devastated when I heard the news, having thought the thought I was prepared. There are rather a few ideas, sparks of opportunity, flying around in my head. None of that compares to the rather snug situation of being in employed work, but you know, I find it easy to fill my days and there were even some exciting plans of what I could do instead of employed work for the sake of trying things out.

Just that the bottom line is that I didn't choose redundancy. It still is imposed and for that, unwelcome. Particularly so in a time of general recession, knowing that if I take a career break now, I'll most likely have missed the career train for good.

There are bitter thoughts too, about the fact that in the middle of my life, with lots of skills and experience behind me, there is no job security, that like many others in a similar situation, I'm so easily dispensable. Bitter thoughts too about the glass ceiling and the way that having put my career on hold due to juggling work and family life, it seems the only route is down when I know that if I set my mind to it and didn't have a family, the route could be up.

Then there is the look into the future: Any employed work in my field is offered on a non job share, full time basis. Effectively, through redundancy I am made to choose between career or my family. I do not wish to work full time at this point in life, but I also do not wish to be a stay at home mum. However, there is no in between. While there is a choice, the choice is not at all satisfactory or even acceptable to me. Flexible working hours are for the most part, at least in my field of work, a luxury for those within paid employment. If you have to change jobs, even within the same organisation, they disappear into thin air.

So what will my plan of action be? Will I consider full time employment opportunities? Will I take the money and run, set up as a bilingual/trilingual childminder with lots of outdoor play time for the kids? Will I return to teaching and depend on sessional work and face the childcare nightmare that entails? Will I become, against all expectations that I ever held in my life, a stay at home mum?

Decision making has never been my strength. I've been through the arguments. The issue is the lack of a solution that actually works for me. That 3 day a week job, that unfortunately doesn't actually exist.

What to do with all that baby gear

It never ceases to amaze me how much stuff makes our way into the house just because we have kids. The other day we watched the video of Cubling's first birthday, 3 1/2 years ago, just after moving into our family home. I hardly recognised the place. What was then empty, spacious and admittedly a tad bare, is now filled with toys, baby gear and clothes hidden in every conceivable crevice.

And boy am I trying to get rid of stuff. There are items that I think have a value which I've been trying to sell through Netmums and Gumtree. No luck. I've given bags of clothes to friends and to charity shops and still there is more. So when the Baby Booty Sale came along, I quite fancied to get rid of absolutely everything in one go, while also selling a few Barefoot Books.

So when at 1pm today, we packed the unsold stuff into the car, it became all too clear that I had not succeeded in the big declutter. In spite of nominal prices on items (I wasn't there to make money, just to make sure the stuff is getting used again), people didn't buy. Baby clothes and baby toys are quite clearly items that lose their value as soon as they leave the shop, a bit like books. It's beyond me how some items didn't sell at all, when I see them as highly desired, valuable and great bargains.

And as to my wonderful Barefoot Books - I didn't sell even one. Ok, I get that this was a second hand sale and the books were new and they aren't your average cheap Amazon deal. Still, some of them are cheap and I didn't even sell them. Looks like being a bookseller won't quite work as a plan B once I'm no longer part of the wage slavery movement.

After hours of sorting, packing, setting up, selling and vice versa, which amounts to about 7 hours of hard work (I'm shattered writing this) I made £5.75. I'm ignoring that I bought a clothes rail for £8.99 which means I actually made a loss. Nevermind, it was fun and an experience and I'm happy to know that at least some items made it to people who wanted/needed them.

So here I am, sat on a mountain of clothes and baby gear wondering how to reuse it because, at the end of the day, it's still good stuff with plenty of life in it. The reality is that we buy so much more than we need that on the whole, we are inundated with baby clothes that aren't needed, therefore making their reuse value nil.

In the 4 1/2 years of parenting, I have so far bought very little children's clothes. I've managed on the whole to get by with what we were given as presents, with hand me downs plus the occasional purchase of underwear (and freebies through this blog). I can count on one hand the clothes purchases I've made. Yet I understand the constant temptation to buy this cute outfit here, and that beautiful dress over there. It's hard not to grab that sales bargain that isn't really needed. But if I look at the masses of baby clothes that didn't get sold today, I'm rather determined to continue my quest to stick to second hand, and to make sure that the clothes no longer needed go to people who have a use for them.

Waving faintly

It's not that there's nothing to blog about. It's just one of those things, you know, baby teething, no sleep for mummy, tiredness of the kind that cannot be put into words, a to do list that is doing my head in, juggling work and kids, and of course there is a lot of worry and work going into planning my future in the workplace. I've reached the point where energy levels are running out and I can't formulate any consistent thoughts for this little blog of mine. There are giveaways in the queue, and a lot of half written posts. Countless photos that need editing and are waiting to be shared/made into photobooks. Never mind the knitting on my needles, not even sure how many projects I've got on the go at the moment.

Basically, I'm not gone, just dropping the balls in this juggling act.

Things I forgot in the past 12 months

After four weeks back at work, there's a few things I realised I'd entirely forgotten:

- It's amazingly cool to sit down at my desk and be able to concentrate on a job that needs done without any interruption other than being asked if I want a cuppa.

- Tea tastes better hot.

- Adult conversations that last longer than 10 seconds are pretty fun, even though I'm a bit rusty.

- I feel totally and utterly good about myself because I'm doing work that goes from A to D via B and C and is not eternally interrupted by whining, bum wiping, food providing and baby holding. Yay, I feel like I'm being productive.

- That mummy guilt disappears once baby smiles when dropped off AND picked up .

- That it feels horrible when baby cries when dropped off AND picked up.

- That baby will start enjoying nursery.

- That I have some really amazingly lovely colleagues.

- And that having a 3 day working week (though temporary until my accrued annual leave is used up) is in fact the perfect work / life balance for me.

Shame it looks like I'll be made redundant at the end of the year. Which once again proves that just when you thought you had your life all sussed out, someone in the background was just having a bad joke with you.