Monday, 2 November 2009

The End of Another Decade

Today I've had the rather disconcerting realisation that if I hadn't miscarried at the end of May, I'd have just 5 weeks of pregnancy left. I'd be massive now, probably hardly able to move if my previous pregnancy is anything to go by. Strangely, I'm glad that's not me right now. I'm sighing with relief, can't your hear it?

At the same time, I've been doing some soul searching. Now that I'm yet another year older (39 if you must know), there has to be consideration as to how long I'll keep the monthly rollercoaster of hope and fear at bay before it takes over. While I feel young for my age, I don't feel like 23 any more, and the prospect of pregnancy and the first year is not something I particularly look forward to, knowing fine well what hard work it is, how it affects my body, my mood and my ability to keep things together.

Yet it's not about absolutes, but let's say that there's a limit to how much longer I'm prepared to try for a sibling for Cubling. Having grown up as an only child, this is a hard prospect to face. I always desired a sibling, I tormented my parents with it, who had been told that another pregnancy would be life threatening for my mum. I knew that but being a child, I still pleaded for a sibling, for years. Yet I also know that not all siblings get on. And really, we are so very lucky to have the most energetic, most delightful little girl anyone could imagine. She has the energy for two, so much is clear. Of course, if I look at how she's besotted with her little cousin, there's no doubt that she'd love to be a big sister. She keeps asking me "I big sister now?" and is disappointed when I correct her that no, she's not a big sister, but a big cousin, which is a very nice thing to be too.

Tomorrow I will take action and explore what options in the line of medical help are available, knowing fine well that I'm not even half way down the line of having unsuccessfully tried for one year or even two. I've been told that at my age, referrals can be made earlier, and I'm not going to waste any time. Having reached the "months trying" count that is the longest so far, it seems the right time. I'm also clear that there's only so far I will go. Some fertility procedures are out of questions because I will not put my body under the stress they entail. Yet while I really don't enjoy the overly planned approach to conceiving, I'm now prepared to work just a little bit more towards it. If daily peeing on stick is the way forward, so be it, I'm not going to be precious about it.

It feels good to be taking some action, and I'm hopeful for tomorrow's appointment. It also felt good to chat to someone at the weekend who shared an extremely similar experience, and as ever, it's so reassuring to hear that all the stuff that worries me endlessly is in fact, well, nothing unusual. This too gives hope and a renewed positive outlook. So the end of this decade marks another departure for me, as did the end of the last.

If you would send me some baby dust anyway, sure it won't do any harm ;)

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't know about baby dust (will talcum powder do?), but sending you love and hope for 2010. See you soon - are you free on friday for meet up? big hug, J x

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Sending baby dust vibes your way. Hope that they do some good. xxxx

Littlemummy said...

Hope things work out for you. X

Metropolitan Mum said...

Interesting. I had a similar conversation with BF last weekend - the question of how many children or children at all. I am still not sure about a #2. We are very happy as a family as it is.

The wife of bold said...

Good luck and here's a sprinkling of dust for you too :) Hope everything works out the way you want it too, but just to let you know i have two sibings and we constantly fought and never got on, sadly in adulthood too and also my husbands an only child and like you begged in vain for a sibling. Yesterday he said "I can't cope with the noise levels in this house, i'm not used to it, thank god my mum never actually gave into my demands for a brother"

Very Bored Housewife said...

Sending lots of baby dust your way, I also had my first miscarriage this year in May and would have been due in a couple of weeks. I'm 38 next month and having had another miscarriage last month I wonder if my body is telling me something.

Hope everything goes well at your appointment tomorrow.

carol b said...

I miscarried three times over the course of 4 years' efforts to conceive...then all of a sudden without any medical assistance I found myself pregnant immediately after the third miscarriage. I was 42. I don't know where my baby dust came from, I'm wishing you plenty of it though.

Aussie Mum said...

Wishing you lots of baby dust from far away!

Alison said...

WIshing you big sprinklings of baby dust! I had my first baby at 35, then didn't manage to conceive my second until I was 42 so I know the yearning for another child all too well.

Do hope your appointment goes well. Will be following for news.

dadwhowrites said...

Supermum (though I always think of it as we) also had a miscarriage - Little elf came along a few months before she turned 40 which was her Absolute Deadline. My adoptive mother, mind you, had my adoptive sister when she was 42, two years after they adopted me and they certainly weren't doing anything (I'm actually astonished at the idea they had sex and am still very sceptical).

Mwa said...

Oh, I'm sending you lots of baby dust. I need some too - I'm seeing a doctor on Thursday having just reached the year mark (I'm only 32 so I have to wait longer ;-) ) - I suppose I would pee on a stick, too, but not much more as I already have two kids. I'd like at least one more, though... I feel greedy just typing that.

cartside said...

Thanks everyone for your comments! With all that baby dust surely something will happen?
Very Bored Housewife: I feel for you, 2 mc and the added difficulty of being in a different country with staff who obviously don't communicate well, it must have been very difficult. I was very lucky to have excellent staff, they were so good and considerate, it was unreal.
Carol B and Alison: Now, if your stories aren't two of hope!
Mwa: good luck with your appointment! You're not greedy, if I was younger I would probably also wish for 3.
Dadwhowrites: well, in that case I have another year to wait then as my absolute deadline (absolutely relative and subject to absolute changes of mind) is also 40. And one's own parents never ever had sex, don't tell me they did?

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