Saturday, 5 September 2009

The unsaid

There are things that remain unsaid. Somehow, they still make it to my ear in strange ways because words travel nonetheless. Truth is, I often don't mind what is said about me yet not said to me. I think I stopped caring when I hit 25. More than this, I don't actually mind if some of the unsaid were actually talked about. With me, that is.

The thing is, the reason for the unsaid is that people are actually well meaning and don't want to offend. Just that the offence usually comes from those who are not well meaning or of those who are ignorant, very rarely from real friends or those whose intention we know to be good. And if the intention is good, even the odd faux pas is fine surely? I hope it is because I'm guilty of many a faux pas.

Apparently, people have been asking if it makes me broody holding my baby niece and spending so much time with her. Implied, of course, is the question about a little sister or brother for Cubling, which to be fair, is only a reasonable question to be asked considering Cubling is 2 1/2 years. Number 2s are popping all over the place. Now, I kind of expected that the fact that I had a miscarriage about 3 and a bit months ago would make it glaringly obvious that we were indeed trying for another baby. I didn't count with the fact that the "news" of my miscarriage didn't travel. This is rather surprising considering I did not make a secret out of it, and in fact shared it even openly on this blog. I assumed that I'd made it clear that I didn't mind people knowing. And when I say people, I also assumed that this would mainly be mutual friends, family - after all, who else would be interested?

However, I found that again and again, people don't know. And to be honest, I'm past even wanting to talk about it, or tell people. It's gone, past, we've moved on. What bothers me is that there is a reluctance to raise the topic of further children with me as if it was a bad omen, something that was better not talked about in case it jinxed something.

Maybe it's a tiny cultural difference and just not talked about in the UK, because with my German friends in Germany, there's no question that this gets raised and talked about. Or my friends here aren't close enough here, which would worry me a bit more, as much as I value my German friends, I need close friends right here right now too.

For me, there's no taboo in talking about having babies, even if there was a problem. In fact, it's only through talking that I know there is no problem, that what is happening to me is pretty average.

So, does watching over a sleeping beauty of a girl make me feel broody? Not an inch more than I already am. She is a very special girl to me and always will be, but she isn't mine and that's all there is to it. What I mean with that is that I do not have even remotely motherly feelings for her. And with many of my friends pregnant, two of the even with an EDD almost matching the one I would have had, this does not make me envious either.

And am I broody? Of course I am. But that's perfectly ok, right? Nothing to be embarrassed about, and should we actually experience an issue with fertility, that too is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's all part of life, for better or worse and at the end of the day I won't forget how amazingly lucky I am to have the ever surprising bundle of energy that is Cubling, and all the fabulous people around me, many of whom unfortunately I haven't been able to spend as much time with as I would like to.

And yes, approaching yet another birthday (relax my friends, it's still almost 2 months), and the big four Oh looming next year, I am worried. As many would be. And I'm trying hard not to regret the time spent waiting to try for number 2. And here's where my niece is rather helpful: angel baby as she is, she does remind me of how hard a time we had with Cubling not sleeping through until 17 months, the relentless feeding and crying marathons, and my sleep deprivation doing awful stuff to me. I wasn't a happy or confident mummy for the first year. I know I couldn't do one insomniac toddler AND pregnancy induced tiredness without damage to me, my marriage or the kids. Or two insomniac kids (I don't even want to think of that possibility). Because of my age maybe, or because of my constitution. Whichever, the waiting was right for us. If it means that this is it, so be it. However, one thing's for sure, I've definitely got a bit to go before giving up ;)

5 comments:

Mwa said...

I'm broody, too. Have been for quite a while. It took two years last time, though, so I'm trying to just live my life and not worry about it too much.

Good luck with it all. Hope you get knocked up soon.

zooarchaeologist said...

When the time is right it will all fall into place x

Insomniac Mummy said...

I've found that people don't mention my miscarriages to me either. I got so fed up of the clamming up that after the 3rd one I told virtually no-one (not in the 'real' world any way). It was easier to avoid the awkwardness, sadly.

((Hugs)) to you.

:)

cartside said...

Mwa, it's definitely the best attitude, admittedly not one I'm good at being a bit of a control freak.

zooarchaeologist, I'm sure it will!

Insomniac Mummy, so sorry for your losses, it must have been very difficult times. It's interesting that you've experienced the same, I really wonder why people are so awkward. It's a shame that you had to choose not to tell anyone.

Pippa said...

Hugs is all I can say

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