Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Hope and Fear

PS. the bestest Christmas present is of course that Snowflake is home. We really and truly don't need anything but this. I know how lucky we are. I remember how I bargained. Anything just for her to make it through this.

Our meningitis journey is not over. What lies ahead are some tests. First up, a hearing test. I'm worried, nothing new here. I have a bad feeling because so far I've failed to determine beyond doubt that she can in fact hear. There was an incident where she got a fright from a loud noise - but this one was very loud and she also sometimes startles anyway (which is potentially an after effect of meningitis itself - she had those startles from day one of the illness and still gets them when overtired and struggling to nod off). I haven't managed to attract her attention by a noise that she doesn't also see, while she reacts instantly to faces, lights and generally visual stimuli.

So it's with trepidation that I await today's hearing test.

Await if someone heard my bargaining. The "just let her live, we can cope with deafness, we'll just learn sign language, we'll adapt, I'll embrace it if only she lives."
Part of me still thinks it's something we can deal with, that it wouldn't be so bad. The other part now pleads for Snowflake to recover fully. Not for our sake, just for her own. She deserves to experience life to the full.

Second will be a developmental test in 4 months time. I dread it and wish it to happen sooner at the same time. Hope for the all clear, an end to my endless analysing of her behaviour, my constant lookout for signs of issues. Is her difficulty to fall asleep a phase, teething or an after effect? Why is she more irritable than she used to be? How come she doesn't laugh yet? Why will she now not sleep unless she touches me?

To everyone she looks the picture of health, fully recovered. As to me, the mum, whose job it is to worry, whether I likes it or not, I see differences which are minute, yet I see them. Maybe she'll grow out of them, maybe they aren't serious. And yes, maybe she's just teething.

Hope and fear, side by side holding hands.



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