Tuesday, 8 June 2010

On nesting

When I was pregnant with Cubling, the much quoted nesting never happened. Or I didn't notice. I was so focused on the birth part of it all, I don't think I even thought much beyond it. Well, I did think beyond it but it was abstract, and the reality had to hit home good and proper before I realised that giving birth was truly, as one midwife said to me, just a day, but being a mother was a life sentence blessing.

In that pregnancy, I did hypnobirthing, pregnancy yoga, relaxation, baths. Basic equipment got bought, we didn't think much of a nursery because we knew we'd move at some stage and if at all, Cubling wouldn't spend much time in a bedroom of her own anyway, so the cot was set up in our bedroom and not really used much (it was moses basket and then co-sleeping for us and we moved when she was 7 months old). We got a travel system, but Cubling was partial to the babycarrier and never liked the pram, so there were many days where I cursed myself for having spent any money on a pram/buggy at all.

This time however, all my focus on birth has gone and it's been replaced by focusing on the time after. Gone are my religious hypnobirthing practice, my plan to involve a doula or maybe even go for a home birth. I'm resigned to whatever will be, will be and don't even worry much about the possibility of placenta previa and a c-section. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have an easier birth this time, I would love to actually push my baby out this time, I would love not to have my belly cut open. But what I'm really thinking of is getting things ready for being a mum of 2. I'm in inner turmoil. I get upset about things that I want to see done not getting done now/instantly/yesterday. I'm angry at myself for being tired in the evening and not moving anything on. I'm disgusted that I sign up to the fabulous Creative Writing Workshop and am so behind with everything that I feel I can never catch up. I despair at the sight of a particular corner in our house, where I've accumulated stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else. I get upset if plans I've made, mental or verbally, are changed. I deplore the current stress level at work - because it makes me so tired in the evening that I'm deflated and good for nothing else. I've become a grump, and I definitely don't like that either.

So I've put together a to do list and keep adding to it. I try to focus on the fact that if Tiddler is as late as Cubling was, I'll have a full 6 weeks of maternity leave before birth to get it all done. Anything I do before that is extra (but how do I long to get it done before my mat leave starts!!!). I do try to enjoy the good weather, and all the nice things that are happening to me (there are lots) and try to switch my ever buzzing gremlin off who keeps telling me what I still need to do and how dare you enjoy yourself when you've got a to do list the length of a dead sea scroll.

Hormones are funny creatures. The are definitely messing me up differently to last time, yet to be truthful, I can't tell for certain which instalment I prefer. And as to hypnobirthing and pregnancy yoga - haven't done either at all so far, and now the classes for latter are fully booked across Glasgow until after my due date (a definite market gap around, but particularly south of the Clyde). Ah well, I've strained my back anyway so it's probably just as well. I'll be the unfittest birthing mama ever. And maybe it's ok not to put myself under the pressure of my own abilities to achieve a natural and drug free birth, learning that reality can be different is a hard lesson, as I've experienced  myself and Muddling Along Mummy has blogged about. As long as I'll get the fire place fixed and can enjoy my babymoon in front of a log fire knitting away I shall be content.



Blog Widget by LinkWithin