Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Different this time

Funny that. While some things are very much like my pregnancy with Cubling, others are different. So yes, I was reasonably relaxed from the word go because nothing resembled the almost 12 weeks of pregnancy that wasn't to be. For example, I had a positive test on the day my period was due (a test I'd only taken for the fun of it, convinced that that month I could not possibly be pregnant). For example, the constant nausea from week 6, the one that made me into a right grump and even stopped my blogging addiction. The tiredness that made me into a person I loathed, unable to get myself up from the sofa, the beach, interact with anyone, be pleasant or do anything at all. Not a nice place to be! Oh please, do understand, I'm not moaning, I'm so so very happy I'm pregnant, just that I didn't like myself very much when the apathy was engulfing me.

However, things are also different. I was tired longer, only now getting my energy back (15 weeks). I'm still nauseaus and smells can get me to retch very easily. It's not to bad, but I didn't have this with Cubling. I can't drink tea most of the time, it makes me feel sick. I get cramps. I wake up in the middle of the night with pins and needles in my arms. My left hip hurts in the evening - just so. I get nose bleeds. I've already got a massive bump (I think) and have to wear maternity clothes.

And I can't bring myself to knit for this baby.

My knitting needles have been highly neglected (as has my camera incidentally). Compare this with both my previous pregnancies - No 1, my passion for knitting was rekindled. No 2, I knit for baby and niece, and never stopped until my beautiful niece was born.

Last night, I started again. Very slowly. I had promised myself to make another mossy jacket for this one, having given the one I'd knit for Button to a very lovely baby. I like this jacket, it's a great and quick knit. Slowly, the rhythm came back. By midnight, I was still knitting. It felt so incredibly good. Not just the knitting, but also the fact that for a whole evening, I'd finally managed to do something I was pleased with, that I'd started to make something again, rather than spend all evening clicking my life away through the internet before collapsing exhausted, with flickering eyes and an undeniable feeling of yet another wasted evening into my bed. That I'd actually been up until midnight.

Even though knitting is still coming back to me slowly, at least I like myself much better for knitting. Maybe, at some point, it'll be more than just knitting.

Maybe I will actually make use of the wonderful books that have made it into my home recently.

Or the wonderful fabric I bought.

Or even the collection of bulbs and seeds sitting in our dining room.

Maybe then I'll even take photos of all this.

I truly can't wait to knit, sew, sow and plant. Yet I still need to kick my arse to do so. I know I'm growing a baby and that my body slows down for a reason. Doesn't mean I like it, I'm an active person and don't like my couch potato version of self.

So, in the practice of positive thinking, last week my energy came back (a bit). I made plans. I cleared the front garden, tidied the back garden. I bought bulbs and fabric. I admired the daffodils peaking out of the ground. I finished a baby hat for baby M. I went for a walk at lunchtime. And I started to knit a cardigan for Tiddler.

Which is more than I did in the whole of the previous 14 weeks.



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