11 weeks

First of all, a preliminary note. I'm posting this rather personal entry because it affects mainly me. I know that friends of mine may read this who did or didn't know I was pregnant. While I would prefer to tell everyone in person, this is difficult just now, sorry.

20th May 2009: I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Exactly. One week to go before I can officially relax and tell everyone the good news. When out of the blue, there's blood. Not a lot, but fresh. Strangely, during this pregnancy, I was more relaxed about miscarriages, I didn't worry too much. With one difference: considering the lack of pregnancy symptoms (especially in comparison to my first pregnancy) I never quite felt pregnant. Add to that the knowledge of a thing called missed miscarriage (where baby dies but is not miscarried for a while or not at all) which I didn't have last time around, this was indeed on my mind.

I didn't expect blood.

Of course my Beloved was not at home when it happened. He doesn't go out much, so it was really sod's law. NHS 24 reassured me that at least I wasn't miscarrying just this moment and it could wait until the next morning, that I needed a GP referral to early pregnancy unit as I hadn't had my booking in appointment yet (which is in week 15 of my pregnancy, how about that) and should phone them as soon as their practice opened. So I did. GP gave me the number of the unit, no referral necessary after all. Just that the next appointment was still 27 hours away. Another day and night of worry ahead of me. In a way, that's fine, I know that there's nothing they can do should I miscarry. Of course it would be nicer to have reassurance or certainty earlier, but to be honest, does it matter? I even considered not to phone at all, if it's just for my peace of mind or certainty, it's surely not a medical necessity to be seen by someone.

The internet is a great and terrible thing. I posted on a forum in search of reassurance and got it. Good. Next I researched miscarriage symptoms and was informed that 50% of women who have fresh bleeding in the first trimester will miscarry.

My baby has a 50-50% chance. That is bad. I've lost people on much better odds.

All I can do is wait until tomorrow and try and stay calm and not so guilty about my brisk walk yesterday which I somehow fear is to blame. Or maybe it was Cubling, kissing baby in mummy's tummy goodnight and wanting it out to play with. Maybe baby took the request just a tad too serious.

22nd May. Appointment date. I had more bleeding last night, it stopped overnight though. I was devastated last night, hopeful again this morning. And very reluctant to drive to the hospital. My thoughts were that if I was to get bad news, I'd rather not have them, that I'd rather have uncertainty than bad news.

The appointment went something like this: chat to determine my details and symptoms, nurse/midwife/doctor agreed that it was looking good and that the scan would probably have a good outcome. Next was the scan. Sonographer said something about my bladder being too full, my womb towards the back and not being able to see a baby. Was I sure of my dates? Oh yes. I'm very sure of my dates. At that time I knew something was wrong. They had to perform an internal scan and there it was, a 6 week old embryo with no heartbeat. I looked. I didn't see much, thankfully, just a shade . The staff were very good and professional, handing me tissues and giving me and hubby a private room, above all, giving time before doing any talking. Amidst the frustration and sadness, I have to admit I was incredibly glad that I was not to miscarry an 11 week old foetus, and that none of my actions last week could have caused my baby to die, in spite of the frustration of having thought for so many weeks I was pregnant when the embryo had died even before I told my family about it. I also feel scared of what's to come, and my hope for a second child has dwindled a little bit.

Hubby and I came home to sister in law and two toddlers who gave me massive hugs. I'm so very lucky to have Cubling, and whatever the future has in store, we are so blessed with this amazing little girl who doesn't stop smiling, giggling, laughing and shrieking.