Monday, 25 May 2009

How I'm feeling now:

  • angry because of the physical pain that goes with miscarrying. It's as painful as early labour just that there's no baby to look forward to
  • exhausted, concentrating on coping with the pain takes a lot of effort
  • tired because I was up with cramps/contractions until 4am, joined by two toddlers who were also awake for some reason, and their relevant parent trying to settle them again (unsuccessfully)
  • accepting, I'm not filled with grief or constant sadness, just occasional wells of emotion
  • fearful of not being able to miscarry naturally. I feel highly uncomfortable with medical interventions and I'm truly scared of the prospect of an operation and general anaesthetic
  • upset when I read other women's stories of recurrent pregnancy loss or miscarriage in their first pregnancy, knowing that it's so much harder for them than for me and my heart really goes out to them
  • reluctant to continue taking folic acid as if the one thing I can do to rebel against this happening is refusing to swallow that pill
  • hopeful that at least the pain may mean that I am fully miscarrying naturally
Did I just say that pain makes me hopeful? I must have gone bonkers.

Thanks for all the good wishes, I'm doing reasonably ok, we're going through loss much bigger than this so at this point in my life, although I'm sad and all of the above, it doesn't throw me off my rails. I do wish for that pain to stop though, thank you very much.


Littlemummy said...

I found that once the hormones subside the whole thing becomes much easier, the 'wells of emotion' disappear.

cartside said...

I look forward to that, Erica. For now it's worse than it was when I wrote this post.

Littlemummy said...

Yes, it was the same here, you think you're coping fine and then it hits you, I believe a lot of that is hormones, because although I felt a bit disappointed the 'wells of emotion' didn't match that, at times they were a bit all-consuming, actually 'crying out' helped, sounds silly and I'm not a crying out type person but it was helpful to get the inner feelings away, if that makes any sense. Writing helped too.

Look after yourself.



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