My feelings when I thought I was pregnant

I had written up some of my feelings of the first 11 weeks of my pregnancy with the intention of posting them when I'd reached the 12 week mark. I don't want to delete them, because for 7 weeks I thought I was pregnant with the sibling Cubling is so keen to have. I'm posting this because the least this little 6 week old blob with no heartbeat which was so desired and welcome into our hearts deserves is some record of existence. This was written at 9 weeks. As will be apparent, I thought a lot about miscarriage, that is due to my family history but also having so many friends who have miscarried, not because I'm paranoid. The post doesn't have an end, because I never got to finish it. I decided to leave it so.

When I was pregnant with Cubling, the first time I got asked the question "Are you pregnant?" I had a proud week count of 20. I did feel that maybe people were cautious. This time around, the first person noticed when I was just 8 weeks. I was flabbergasted, but my trouser buttons told the whole story really. This time around, apart from an expanding waistline even before a positive test, I've not suffered as much from morning sickness. That's a good thing surely, just that with 2 false negative tests, and no other symptoms I was desperate for some indication that I was indeed pregnant and didn't just maybe have a false positive in the third test.

On the same day that the question was posed, I felt rotten with sickness, for the first time it lingered for a full day. Other than that, nothing.

Last time around, I found out I was pregnant when in Germany and before our honeymoon. This delayed the GP booking apointment to week 8 and as a result my 12 week dating scan was scheduled for week 17. As this is the only scan that you get if you live in Glasgow, I was determined that this time around I'd go to the GP as early as possible, to actually get a proper 12 week dating scan.

But somehow I managed to find out that I was pregnant while in Germany again, which resulted in a 2 week delay in seeing the GP. Week 7 it was to be. The booking appointment was rather odd. My normal GP was not there and she was covered by a seemingly retired GP who had seen me before at Christmas but at neither appointment introduced himself by name. He was clearly thrown off his rails when I told him I was pregnant. He didn't quite know what to do, looked at computer, papers on desks as if the answer was to be found there. He asked me (!) if he would need to confirm my pregnancy but discarded the idea (maybe because he didn't have a pregnancy test at hand?). My inability to remember the date of my last period didn't help. He ended up saying he'd refer me to the hospital and that I should make an appointment with the midwife. When I tried the latter I was informed that I can't do that but would have to wait for the first appointment at the hospital. This worries me a bit, last time having the first appointment there meant that I was no longer looked after by the the community midwife clinic but by hospital and GP. I had really hoped for this to be different this time around. GP informed me that the 12 week scan would be around week 13 - 15. I didn't comment, but to be honest, I would like to wait to tell the world about my pregnancy until after the scan, but if I keep expanding at the current rate, my colleagues and boss will surely spot my secret well before then.

The appointment then became a set of rather strange questions that I felt should be asked by a midwife rather than someone not involved in my antenatal care, but nevermind, quite happy to chat about previous pregnancy and birth story. He booked me straight into the Southern General HOspital, homebirth wasn't mentioned. I chose to ignore this, to be honest, at the moment I don't see it as an option, but would have liked to have heard it mentioned.

We told closest family at 5 and 7 weeks. I'm not as desperate to tell anyone else this time around and gladly also much less worried. I remember that the first 12 weeks went so slowly and with constant fear of miscarriage. Somehow I'd assumed just that because my mum had miscarried a few times that I would too, as if it was genetic. This time I don't feel pregnant, I don't think about it all the time and I feel that should I miscarry, there will have been a reason, but that in most likelihood I won't.

Another difference to my first pregnancy is that this time, I don't feel any more tired than normal. I'm unspeakably glad about that. Having said that, I also can't sleep so well, and keep waking up at ungodly hours lying awake in bed. This is quite unlike me and rather unpleasant. Two nights in a row, I only managed to sleep after midnight, to be woken at 2am by Cubling followed by getting her back to sleep, a few kicks in my belly from her lying beside me, only for me to wake again at 6am and not being able to get back to sleep. Two nights of this and I'm knackered. But in spite of this, sleep doesn't come easy.